


Habitual Sin

by Queenofthefaceless



Category: GOT7
Genre: Bottom Choi Youngjae, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Possessive Im Jaebum | JB, Top Im Jaebum | JB
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:35:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 30,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28850691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenofthefaceless/pseuds/Queenofthefaceless
Summary: Youngjae is doing great in his life. He's exactly where he expected to be. But he's gonna have his world turned around completely once a certain man enters his life.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB, Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang
Comments: 37
Kudos: 111





	1. Chapter 1

If anything, Youngjae had always been good at studying.

While others around him were constantly preoccupied with hobbies such as sports, he was the type who would stay in on a Friday night and catch up with a good TV show or simply read a book. He sometimes even wrote poems or short stories to keep his mind going, but studying for school, he was _really_ good at that. He organized his desk all the time, finding joy in shopping for school supplies and such. Sure, he might’ve been considered a true nerd, but, as he liked to throw it into his friends’ faces, at least he was working himself out for the purpose of a solid financial and educational future.

He did enjoy an occasional party, though. He was no stranger to alcohol or the other infamous things that were happening outside of the comfort provided by his apartment, but sometimes he liked spending that time alone.

Let’s take tonight, for instance.

He watches as his friends and acquaintances make out dirtily against the walls of a club uptown or dance like there’s no tomorrow, while he drinks a beer and counts the alcoholic beverages displayed on the shelves. He probably had good chances of meeting someone and hitting it off as well, but truth be told, he wasn’t that much of a charmer. He never had a growing self-confidence, and every time someone would shower him with an honest compliment, he would go flustered and mutter an insecure “thank you”.

Point is, relationships were definitely not on Choi Youngjae’s skills list. He had some affairs, but nothing over a week. He could’ve stated he was deprived of that type of closeness, though he was not lacking profoundness per se. He loved pampering his friends and family with nice gestures and talks, supporting them and making sure they felt just as loved as he felt.

“If you’re expecting that beer to magically grow a set of lips and return your feelings, you’re pretty much wasting your time, man.”

The ecstatic voice of his best friend, Mark Tuan, made Youngjae giggle and consequently remove the bottle from his face, since he had been unconsciously pressing his lips against it.

“Come drink with us, Jae!” Mark encouraged him.

“I’m okay here, really!”

“Come on! Jackson’s there too, even that dude from tourism, uh… Jinyoung!”

“I don’t really wanna see you and Jackson suck faces in front of me, hyung.”

“We’re not that bad!”

Youngjae laughed out loud, reminiscing all the times when Mark and Jackson could not keep their hands to themselves in public, literally. There have been too many times, he concluded.

“I’ll join you guys in a minute, _but!_ Just because I count on maintaining a conversation with Jinyoung-hyung while you and Jackson go at it.”

“For the last time, we’re not that bad!”

Whatever Mark was saying now got left behind Youngjae and his sarcastically flapping hand. The elder returned to the middle of the club while the latter decided to finish his beer first.

Despite the fact that he had chosen literature as a specialization at Seoul University, he somehow managed to befriend Mark and his long-term boyfriend, Jackson Wang, who were both majoring in health sciences, and Park Jinyoung, a reserved and much more intellectual fellow from tourism department. He was someone more down to Earth, and often times Youngjae found it way easier to talk to him due to their slightly similar introverted personalities.

Nevertheless, whenever the two were around Mark and Jackson – who were commonly referred to around the campus as “Markson” – they brought the best out of them, making Youngjae and Jinyoung to smile and laugh until their faces hurt. It was an unusual combination, but it worked for all of them.

Before Youngjae could place his empty bottle on the bar, it got knocked out of his hand by an individual who was wearing all black, including a snapback which read DOPE.

“Hey!” he said, barely offended, but the gesture did take him by surprise.

The visibly taller silhouette raised his brows beneath the snapback and a pair of powerful, dark eyes searched Youngjae’s face with an intensity that made him flustered like never before.

“Sorry. I was looking for someone,” he apologized, nodding shortly.

Youngjae meant to say that it was alright and that no harm had been caused, but the stranger vanished too fast. Though he joined Mark and the rest within the next seconds, his gaze searched the club once for the mystery man who was in a terrible rush. Why, he couldn't explain.

But those starry eyes…

Youngjae had never seen anyone having such deep and impactful eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the week went pretty smoothly for Youngjae.

He carried on with his life as he usually did. He minded his own business, bothered no one. Mark even made the joke that Youngjae’s quiet lifestyle was the reason he was so well liked at university and the main reason why his skin was always so smooth and clean.

One might assume his life was, in fact, nothing but ordinary and boring. But Youngjae chose to focus on the bright side of the line, thinking he had a stable and organized life.

The only thing that did get Youngjae out of his routine was music. Not just any music by random entertainers, but _Defsoul_ , or Def, an underground Korean artist who released his songs through Soundcloud exclusively, fighting against any social media recognition. None of his fans knew what he looked like; whenever he was out, he was always wearing face masks and oversized hoodies to hide his face. It was all very intriguing to Youngjae, how he wrapped his music into a cloud of pure mystery, so it was safe to say that, more than just those breathtaking songs, he enjoyed the situation, the unknown.

Ironically, when the opportunity to see a Defsoul concert presented itself, Youngjae realized it was hard to fight the urge of not attending said concert. It was going to be held in some club, little event by the looks of it, so there was no harm in going, right?

“Wait, I thought you said you like how he doesn’t give a crap about publicity and stays in hidden mode,” Mark commented one Tuesday at lunch.

“I do! But it’s a small concert, probably not even 100 people… and I really wanna listen to his songs live.”

“Count me in,” Jackson said out of the blue, munching on a bowl of noodles.

“Really? That’s great! Tickets are really cheap, by the way.”

“You like Def, too?”

“Mark, we’ve been dating for over two years now, it’s kinda embarrassing you don’t know that.”

Jinyoung giggled, his face lowered into the ground, trying to hide his amusement.

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you… I’m sorry.”

“What? I meant for you, not for me, I know your music taste like the back of my hand!”

This time almost everyone laughed, except for Mark, who did smile crookedly in the end, acknowledging his rookie mistake. Youngjae felt extremely happy knowing he got his friends to join him for the concert. It was an experience he would’ve hated to live on his own.

_Even though it's dangerous, little bit closer, little bit more_

_I can’t stop it, can’t stop it_

_Everyone tell me_

_Get your conscious straight, that I look stupid_

_That I’m being fooled, why_

_I know too that I’m full of scars, honestly_

_It’s weird, even though I know I can’t let it go, baby…_

The entire venue sang along the lyrics that Def sang hauntingly passionate on stage. As expected from his few fans, he appeared wearing an all-black outfit, large hat covering his face as he sang. He made little to no gestures, although occasionally, a vein would pop up on his neck each time he reached a higher note. Youngjae watched the show mesmerized, trying hard to contain himself and not make a scene. Jinyoung and Mark were mostly the same as him, indulging into the music, but Jackson was singing out loud every lyric, waving and smiling all the time. He had no problem in displaying his admiration for the mysterious artist, which, on some level, Youngjae appreciated a lot. 

The song ended with Def taking a brief break to breathe in and out a few times, then continued with another song. But Youngjae managed to spot his eyes for a few seconds and was left bewitched. His gaze was so intense, so explosive, that it took him a while to recover.

There was something in his eyes, a burning sensation, like a firework about to blow, something he knew he must’ve seen somewhere else before. It felt strangely familiar, much as returning home after a long day. He couldn’t shake that feeling, despite the fact he continued cheering and muttering the lyrics along. He kept it all to himself, knowing that the chances of his friends siding with him on his bizarre theory were slim.

“Thanks, guys, thank you. I love you all, very, very much. I wouldn’t be here without each and every single one of you,” Def said, thus ending his show, much to everyone’s sorrow.

Nevertheless, the cheers didn’t stop until he left the stage, after doing several bows and waving towards the crowd. Youngjae’s eyes followed him closely, yet he couldn’t pick up any other clue whatsoever. He shook his head in disappointment. He must’ve imagined it.

How could he have the impression he knew someone like Defsoul? The guy was fantastic in so many ways, and there was no way in hell that in a perfect real world, someone like that would stick around Youngjae and his ordinary habits.

“THAT WAS AMAZING!” Jackson shouted to his friends upon leaving the venue.

“Why the hell are you screaming?” Jinyoung replied.

“I CAN'T HEAR THAT WELL SO –“

Jinyoung placed a hand over Jackson's lips to shut him up.

“You don’t wanna do that, you don’t know where those lips wandered,” Youngjae warned him as a joke.

But Jinyoung took it seriously and removed his hand in a split second, shaking it several times whilst looking disgusted. Jackson, however, found it hilarious and put his arm across Mark’s shoulders, eyes locked on Jinyoung still.

“He’s right, you can never know,” he stated.

“Ew. Please stop.”

“Don’t take him seriously,” Mark tried to settle things in between them.

“Yeah, like you don’t do ew-y things!”

“ _Ew-y?_ What are we, fourth graders?”

“Don’t make me withhold sexy time tonight, Jackson.”

“Please, you can’t hold yourself back.”

“Too. Much. Info.”

The rest of the antics were blurred to Youngjae’s ears. He thought over and over about the concert, how he got to see Def’s eyes, and how it _felt_. Though it sounded and even looked impossible and strange, he really couldn’t forget that profound gaze, covered by a black bucket hat. Youngjae discovered he was thinking way beyond that simple gaze.

If the rest of Def was as intense and sharp-featured like his eyes, there was no logical reason to hind behind black clothes that, apparently, did him no justice.

He froze on the spot.

He never really thought of anyone in that way.

He gulped and kept walking, shaking away the wandering images in his mind.

“What’s up with you?” Jackson asked, searching Youngjae's pale face.

“Nothing. It was a great concert, right?”

“It was so cool!”

“I really liked it too, that guy is great.”

“Yeah, he really is.”

“He's amazing. A brilliant musician. So much so that each time I listen to his voice, those lyrics just float through me and it gets me thinking that – “

Everyone stopped to look at Youngjae, faces traced by smirks.

“What?”

“Someone’s got a little crush on Defsoul!” Mark laughed.

“What? N-No, he’s just a singer! I don’t even know him!”

“Yeah, a mysterious singer that you loooove.”

“Hyung, that’s not true! We don’t even know what he looks like!”

“You don’t have to see someone to fall in love.”

Jackson’s phrase silenced everyone. He was dead serious this time, and Youngjae knew why: he and Mark met online and chatted for over two months before meeting in person. And it was the best thing that had happened to the both of them.

“But this is nothing like you guys,” Youngjae replied, avoiding their looks. “I just love his music, that’s all. And I appreciate him a lot.”

“If you say so.”

Youngjae huffed. It was a tad difficult being the youngest in their group due to the fact that he had to deal with their teasing on a daily basis almost, but he did it gladly. The three boys were like his brothers.


	3. Chapter 3

Regardless of how much Youngjae tried to fight his small curiosity about that deep eye contact, he couldn’t exactly let it go.

Every time he now listened to Def’s music, his mind would wander, replaying over and over that one moment when he noticed the magnificent look on the artist’s face. He still didn’t talk about it with his friends, knowing he’d most likely get mocked about it, even if not in a mean way. He simply had to get it out of his mind at some point.

 _It couldn’t have meant anything,_ he told himself.

One rainy Wednesday at lunch, Youngjae arrived earlier and went to order his usual from the university cafeteria and book a table for the rest. He began munching on his turkey sandwich when someone tapped him gently over the shoulder.

“Sorry, are you Choi Youngjae?”

Youngjae looked up to be met with a face that easily had the potential to be the most handsome face he’d ever seen in his life. He didn’t know the boy, but he was rather tall, wore his black hair combed backwards, and was wearing an all-black outfit, styled casually on top with a leather jacket.

Despite the breathtaking image, Youngjae could tell the guy was kind of sketchy so he hesitated for a moment.

“Yes.”

“Again, sorry to bother your lunch, but I just spoke to professor Li and he told me to come find you because you're his best student in history.”

“Thanks, I… guess.”

“My name’s Lim Jaebeom. I just got transferred here to the Literature department.”

The boy whose name was Jaebeom didn’t offer to shake hands with Youngjae; instead, he nodded politely towards him, while Youngjae signaled him to have a seat, but the boy refused.

“Mr. Li recommended me to talk to you about catching up in history class for Friday, so if you have some time till then… you could tutor me or something.”

Lim Jaebeom raised his shoulders carelessly.

“It’s a bit out of the blue, but… sure, I’ll help you out. Can you meet me tomorrow after courses?”

“You got it.”

Before Lim Jaebeom could leave, Youngjae stood up from his seat and looked at him deeply. He briefly recognized his face and had a mini blood rush as he kept looking at the straight silhouette in front of him.

“I figured why you look so familiar to me.”

“Oh?”

Jaebeom’s tone was betraying a hidden insecurity which Youngjae didn't understand, but he didn’t attempt to either.

“Three weeks ago you bumped into me at the party, remember? You apologized before I could say anything.”

Youngjae smiled as if to reassure him which, surprisingly, it worked, seeing how Jaebeom smirked and looked away as he did so, his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket.

“Right, right. Sorry again about that.”

“It’s fine.”

“Anyway, thanks for helping me out.”

“No problem. Oh, and welcome to Seoul University, I suppose!”

Youngjae smiled wide this time, but Jaebeom did not return the gesture. Instead, he did a small bow as if announcing his departure and walked out of Youngjae’s sight. After that, Youngjae thought how peculiar the boy was acting, nothing like he has seen before. But he knew better than to be short-minded and judge based on first insights. 

“I feel offended, Youngjae, you have other friends?!”

Jackson’s over-the-top remark created a series of laughter from the other three as they sat down to have their lunch. Youngjae huffed in amusement, shaking away the previous scene from his memory.

“Not really, no,” he admitted.

“Then who was that you were talking with?”

“Some new guy that just moved here, Lim Jaebeom.”

There was a brief silence at the table. Jinyoung struggled to swallow the hot portion of soup he had in his spoon before looking dead serious at Youngjae.

“I know the guy. And from the little knowledge I have, I think it’s safe to say you shouldn't really try to be close with him.”

“Why not? I mean, I’m not intending to, he just asked for my help to study history.”

“Ah, a classic line,” Mark commented, earning a smirk from Jackson’s side.

“He lived in the same neighborhood as me a couple of years back, and he’s a bit… off. As in, _really_ strange. You barely saw him, but when you did, he was mostly drunk as shit. I even heard some messed up things.”

“It doesn’t mean that they were true.”

“I know. But still, it gets you wondering. And every story has a shred of truth attached to it.”

Jinyoung focused on the remains of his soup, unaware that he had left Youngjae in deep thought, more than usual. He still managed to follow the _“Don’t judge a book by its cover”_ motto, but it was impossible not to ask himself some questions, regardless of how innocent the situation seemed.

So his history teacher sent the new student to him for help. All normal up until that point, right?

And the new student used to be Jinyoung’s neighbor. And if Jinyoung, who was, in many ways, anyone’s role model, said the guy was bizarre, he must’ve known something, didn’t he?

Youngjae finished his sandwich with his heart heavy. He still wanted to do the right thing and help said Lim Jaebeom catch up with their history course, but he promised himself that if any strange thing happens during their study session, he wouldn’t do it a second time.


	4. Chapter 4

Lim Jaebeom turned out to be nothing more but the classical type of introvert.

Nothing suspicious or questionable whatsoever happened during his two-hour revision with Youngjae, and the latter was all in all relieved. Jinyoung’s comment regarding his former neighbor did cause him some slight anxiety, truth be told. But Jaebeom acted perfectly polite, perhaps a bit too formal and introverted, despite Youngjae having made all efforts to make the study session as comfortable as possible. The fact that they had just met was most likely the only barrier in between them.

What did surprise Youngjae instead was the disclosure of Jaebeom’s biggest passion: writing both poems and lyrics. He casually blurted it out as if was an ordinary thing, but to Youngjae it wasn’t so. He found it amazing and mind challenging to come up with such creations. When he asked some more questions, Jaebeom retreated to his shell and continued reading thoroughly through the history notes. 

“Thank you again for the help. I appreciate it a lot,” Jaebeom said at the very end, eyes locking Youngjae’s, not even blinking.

“No problem. I’m glad I could help.”

Jaebeom’s eyes were tracing his figure so intensely that it made Youngjae gulp. It felt much like a dangerous eye contact, the kind you see in movies between the two protagonists. He never came close to living such a moment, let alone with a stranger. And that look, boy, was it almost burning Youngjae on the inside in the most comfortable way possible.

“Glad you could help a stranger? So you’re just… genuinely nice like that?”

“Sorry?”

Jaebeom huffed, picking up his notebook.

“From my experience, people are shitty. They don’t just do something for someone out of the pure kindness of their hearts. But I will give kudos to you, you do seem genuine.”

If Youngjae had considered Jaebeom to be simply introverted and quiet, he had now realized it was much more to him that he let show.

And he did not like what side of him he was seeing one bit.

“Well, I did do this out of kindness. I am nice like that, yeah.”

“Or let’s say it got stuck in your brain that Mr. Li considers you his best student and you subconsciously want to live up to his expectations. Maybe you have this urge to please everyone around you.”

Youngjae couldn’t exactly protest, so instead he gathered his stuff and left the cafeteria, angered. It was true on a certain level that he loved doing things for the people around him, he loved to make sure that everyone was doing alright, he loved to know that he could help someone to improve their day and boost their mood.

But he didn’t need a stranger calling him out so rudely. He tried not to fall for it, but this Jaebeom guy was making it difficult.

 _He was being difficult._

Youngjae took out of his backpack a pair of earbuds and blasted Defsoul through them to calm down, which he eventually did. Lim Jaebeom was just one of those narcissistic people who believed they were the best and treated people like crap because of it. That must’ve been it. Though Youngjae had to admit – only to himself, of course – that he certainly knew his way around, making deadly eye contact.

He stopped in the middle of the hallway, brows furrowing at the strange idea that crossed his mind.

_That look._

That look that could set souls on fire.

He’s seen it before.

At the concert.

At Defsoul.

Youngjae stopped the music.

But he was thinking of two different people, completely opposite of each other.

He shook his head, smiling at his silliness. He really needed to distract himself from brown eyes that follow him everywhere. Or at the very least listen to some new artists. He was clearly going insane, thinking over and over again about such childish things. Maybe it was all because of how lonely Youngjae felt often times. It must've gotten to his head.

 _Get it together, man,_ he whispered to himself, going home to call it a day.


	5. Chapter 5

Later that night, Mark called Youngjae out for some drinks at their favorite and most frequented bar. In all honesty, he was curious about his tutoring session with the new student, which so happened to be exactly the topic that Youngjae refused to tackle.

"It was fine," he grudgingly told his friend. "He's just... weird, that's all," he concluded, taking a big sip from his beer.

"I hate to say that Jinyoung might've been right because we all know how much he loves saying it but... man, I think he was right."

"Nothing weird happened, though. He was being... I don't even know how to describe it."

"Did he say or do something rude?"

"No. He doesn't seem to believe that people can actually be nice without a vile motive. He said that I am helping him just because I am the teacher's pet."

Mark offered no reply, which got Youngjae thinking and feeling rather offended.

"This is the part where my good friends contradict me and support me," he said.

"I mean... okay. Okay, look. You... kinda are Mr. Li's golden star."

"What??"

"Not in the bad sense! You are his favorite student, that much we can all see. You participate a lot of his class and you genuinely enjoy the course."

"So?! That makes me a nerd, not the kind of loser who wants to befriend the teacher and shit!"

Youngjae began scratching the beer bottle with anxiety, analyzing the situation to a fail.

It was obviously true that he was really active in Mr. Li's class, but it was only because he loved his specialization and the courses that were being taught. 

Was that so wrong of him? Was that so bizarre?

"Nobody is doubting you or your intentions, Jae," Mark reminded him gently. "I mean, look at you, you're helping a total stranger just because he asked you. You're a really good person."

"He didn't even ask me himself, Mr. Li recommended me to him."

"Oh. Wow."

"It's not - that's - I am a genuinely nice person! You all know this!"

"We do, we do know that! Relax! I'm sorry."

Mark patted him on the back and it managed to soothe Youngjae a little, but not entirely.

How did they even end up debating whether he was a good person or not? He was! And because of that... Jaebeom guy? It was absolutely not worth it. He was better than that. He had been a good and kind person all his life.

"I have nothing to explain or to prove or to defend to anyone," Youngjae said, finishing his drink and ordering another one immediately. "He might've been right about the fact that I am a teacher's favorite, but that doesn't justify his actions of being a cocky jerk."

"you're right. And you are doing a great thing. You could've easily refused."

"Exactly! But I agreed. Hence, I am a lovely and wonderful person. Cheers!"

Youngjae clicked his bottle with Mark's, chugging it down even faster than the previous one, then ordering another.

The elder noticed where that was headed, yet he let it happen under his careful supervision. He simply felt like Youngjae needed to loosen up and disconnect a bit.


	6. Chapter 6

Alright, perhaps getting drunk on a university night when classes were up the next morning had not been the most inspired idea that Youngjae had ever had.

He relied on the fact that Mark would have enough common sense in him as his best friend to put an end to his overdrinking, and yet there he was, in the middle of history class on a Friday morning, head throbbing and spinning alike. Youngjae was hoping and even praying subconsciously that Mr. Li would not find it imperatively necessary to ask him any questions during that particular lecture.

So far, so good.

"- and as usual, do not attempt to cheat during exams, please. It will make both you and me uncomfortable. Why make our lives more difficult when we can collaborate to make them easier?" Mr. Li announced, much to the amusement of the class. "Oh, and last but not least, please give a warm welcome to our new student, Lim Jaebeom."

The name made Youngjae raise his head and turn around seeing, indeed, Jaebeom's silhouette behind him, rising from his seat and taking a polite bow to everyone. He nodded shortly before sitting back down, avoiding the looks that he was given.

It took Youngjae less than five seconds to finally understand why the girls around him were swooning and nearly drooling. He rolled his eyes, unimpressed. Sure, that was one fine looking young man, but, judging by the brief intro he got to his personality, he could tell the guy was most likely a jackass.

Deciding to not be bothered by his presence right behind him, Youngjae comfortably rested his head on the desk again, nearly falling asleep for what was probably the first time ever. He couldn't help it; everything around him was swirling, and every sound seemed unnecessarily loud.

"- alright, Youngjae?"

"Hah? Who - what - "

He woke up so fast that his head began spinning way worse than before. The headache was still persisting and he realized that he hadn't been paying attention to the course at all for the last... well, shit, almost half hour now.

He freaked out, trying to recollect himself and frantically flipped through the pages when a voice whispered behind him softly and deeply:

"Page fifty. Second paragraph. You covered it yesterday."

Youngjae turned around and briefly say Jaebeom's strong gaze before flipping to the right textbook page and finding said paragraph, reading out loud, in the end not raising any suspicion from Mr. Li's side.

At ease, Youngjae turned to meet Jaebeom's face again after he finished reading and, despite the fact that he couldn't see his eyes, he muttered a throated "thank you" and tried to pay attention to the remaining of the lecture.

He had no clue what was that all about and why did Jaebeom jump to his rescue but, being a well raised boy, he appreciated it.

He successfully managed to stay awake during the rest of the hour and to even take some notes, much to his pride. He also managed to ignore his pesky headache, which was truly an accomplishment. 

By the end of the lecture, Mr. Li approached him, seeming rather concerned.

"Youngjae, can I speak with you for a moment?"

"Of course."

With everyone else gone, Youngjae assumed there must've been something important that was on his teacher's mind.

"Jaebeom told me that your study session went great the other day. Thank you for tutoring him."

"Oh. Well, it was - I mean... it's no problem. I appreciate you recommending me, professor."

He couldn't reciprocate by saying that it went great. It felt offensive, so Youngjae ended with a smile instead and nodded whilst closing his bag. 

"Since he still has to catch up with our lessons and homework, I was wondering if it is possible for you to continue tutoring him, at least once a week."

"Once a - really?"

"Yes. He seemed very pleased with your way of teaching."

Youngjae was astounded at the revelation. He couldn't figure out what to reply.

Lim Jaebeom was officially beyond his power of understanding.

"I - I don't know, Mr. Li..."

"At least think about it. It would be beneficial for you as well. Are you still pursuing a career in academics?"

"Well... yes, but I don't see how spending two hours at least with a... new student would - "

"For your skills, of course! This is a perfect opportunity for you to practice teaching skills!"

"Oh. That. Right."

Youngjae wanted to slam the door behind him and shout "hell no" from the rooftops, but it might have been something too rude to do in front of his teacher.

Thus, he offered a polite smile again, a fakeness residing behind it that was uncharacteristic to him.

"I will make sure that Jaebeom is tutored, Mr. Li."


	7. Chapter 7

Several weeks went by and the students from the literature department were not the only ones who noticed Lim Jaebeom’s chic, dark aura and downright ridiculously good looks.

People from more than half of the university were stealing glances at him while others purely stared, but all swooned and talked about him. And it was not just thanks to his marvelous genetics.

He helped prepare lunch at the cafeteria for three days straight when one of the lunch ladies got sick, he provided solid feedback for some of the courses and suggested initiating a few workshops for those interested in extracurricular activities. His reputation was impeccable already, but Youngjae still did not like him.

He was too mysterious, as if he was purposely hiding something. Not to mention that he seemed utterly repulsed by anything and anyone around him. He had the time to figure this out while he continued having mini studying sessions with him for history.

Jaebeom was sending so many mixed and confusing signals that no one else seemed to notice but Youngjae. Except, perhaps, Jinyoung, who was the other sane person doubting Jaebeom’s bizarre behavior just as much as Youngjae was, if not more.

“One minute he does some silly gesture that’s meant to be nice, like giving me rare books, then he says people are shit and he just walks away,” Youngjae complained to his friends over lunch.

“He gave you rare books?”

Jinyoung frowned, visibly flabbergasted.

“Two. But that’s beside the point.”

“That’s… weirdly nice of him.”

“Now _that_ is the point! What the hell is up with this guy?”

“I told you, he’s super strange and probably doesn’t even function like a normal human being. Most of the neighbors back then didn’t even see him that often, and when they did, it was a shit show. Like I said, he was out a whole lot, coming back home insanely wasted, knocking down garbage bins and yelling on the street.”

“Sounds like a properly fucked up guy to me,” Jackson said without hesitation.

“He might just be. At least he looks like he’s got some serious issues going on. He never actually harmed people or caused massive trouble, but – “

“But still, he’s just… odd. And infuriating through ways that I can’t really… wrap my mind around, and trust me, I’ve done my fair share of thinking.”

“Huh.”

Mark’s huff and pondering gaze caught everyone’s attention. Noticing the wide eyes staring at him and demanding an explanation for his disapproval, he abandoned his meal in order to provide one.

“I am not saying that the guy’s not weird. I don’t even know him. I just know what you guys tell me. But it seems to me like you talk hell of a lot about him, Youngjae, and… to my mind, if you talk this much about someone…”

Youngjae’s eyes widened more, if possible, desperately shaking his head dismissively.

“No, no, no! Hell no! What the hell are you implying?? No! No, absolutely not! Not in a million years!”

Mark raised his hands.

“It was just a theory. Don’t panic.”

“A fucked up one! No, absolutely not, noooo, no. Did I mention no? Because no! Not a chance!”

“I gotta side with Youngjae,” Jackson jumped to his aid. “I think he should be with someone more like himself, nice and normal, you know?”

“Thank you!”

“Plus the guy is waaaay, way out of his league, so that wouldn’t work out. They’re complete opposites.”

“Exactly! Finally someone who understands – now wait a minute!”

The conversation went down that way for about ten more minutes, argument being brought thoroughly into it, pros and cons alike, but Youngjae kept rejecting each and every one of them, denying every single word.

He could not possibly imagine going out with such a complicated, twisted person like Lim Jaebeom. Tutoring him in history was more than enough.

He was a simple, pleasant young man and he did not need that kind of aggravation.

“Isn’t that him?” Mark asked.

Indeed, the all-black wearing silhouette belonging to Jaebeom swayed his way across the cafeteria, angrily talking on the phone. All four friends watched his every move, seemingly absorbing it; all four friends saw as he maliciously ran his hands through his coal-like hair, looking around.

"He looks like he could use someone to talk to."

“He looks fine as fuck though,” Jackson added absentmindedly.

“Excuse me, I am standing right here. Remember me? Mark? Your _boyfriend?_ ”

“I was just observing, babe, relax.”

Mark turned towards Youngjae, rolling his eyes and sighing with exasperation.

“Youngjae, that’s your cue.”

“What did I _just_ say?? Am I speaking some sort of alien language to you all?”

“You’re the nice and sensible one in this group.”

“For the love of – “

Mark pushed him out of his seat, earning a deadly glare from Youngjae. Still protesting, he arranged his collar and approached Jaebeom with cautious steps, as if he was approaching a predator.

“Hey, uh… is – is everything okay?”

Jaebeom cocked a brow in suspicion, checking Youngjae from head to toe, head tilted to the side as he did so.

“Why do you care to know?”

“I didn’t exactly come here voluntarily. Let’s leave it at that.”

“I forgot you’re the nice guy.”

“I really am, for your information. See, why – why do you do shit like this? Why do you go from a decent human being to a jerk in less than five seconds? Is this your defense mechanism against other people or what?”

To his surprise, Jaebeom didn’t fire back any comment. He licked his lips instead, eyes still searching Youngjae.

“If you’ve got a problem with me, pretty boy, just spit it out.”

“I didn’t say that I – “

“You don’t have to. It’s like textbook.”

“I just wanted – “

“To check up on me cause you somehow feel the need to get a better scoop on Lim Jaebeom. I’ll save you the trouble, Youngjae. _Don’t_. I’m not worth it. And you don’t have to come up with excuses anymore.”

Youngjae grabbed his wrist before he could walk away, impressed with his own strength and courage.

“Make up excuses for what?”

“For the fact that you’re intrigued to be around me. To put it decently.”

Youngjae laughed nervously, almost hysterically.

Just who the hell did that guy think he was??

“You shouldn’t flatter yourself that much, I’m not even remotely interested to hang out with a person so vague and strange.”

“It is my defense mechanism, yes. You were right. But at least I have the guts to admit that about myself. Consider being a man and acknowledge some hard fact. And don’t try to beat this vague exterior because you’ll end up hating me in the end.”

Jaebeom patted Youngjae on the shoulder, leaving with a smile that, well, Youngjae disliked, but did not entirely hate for some reason.

His headache returned, and this time it had nothing to do with a hangover.


	8. Chapter 8

Any true friend of Choi Youngjae's knew that he was a man of his word.

He always came through for his friends and always honored his promises. Which meant that, regardless of how obnoxious he found Jaebeom or those seemingly never ending study sessions with him annoyed him, he kept tutoring him, as Mr. Li had kindly asked him.

It was a tremendous effort on his part, but throughout the lessons, he slowly noticed a change in his colleague's behavior. 

Now, Jaebeom was by no means a bad or inattentive student; quite the opposite, actually: he was curious and eager to learn and glad to be able to catch up with the courses and do most of his homework. Youngjae was not sure, however, if he was acting slightly different because he was up to something, but truth be told, the change made their studying environment much more pleasant.

Jaebeom was nicer, listening carefully to Youngjae's explanations, thanking him at the end of every lesson, wishing him a nice day and all... which was particularly why Youngjae had begun doubting him again.

By any definition known to mankind, Lim Jaebeom was a natural curiosity, a person who appeared entirely different from anything and anyone Youngjae had ever encountered before. It was intricate to even try to read him, let alone get to know him. 

So Youngjae decided to not force things and let them follow their course, as Jaebeom himself told him to do less than a month ago.

It was no piece of cake, though.

Everywhere he went, Youngjae saw Jaebeom. And not in a cheesy, slightly twisted way, but he actually saw him everywhere: when he was coming to university, during his breaks, during lunch time, when he left university, at the library, outside the campus, all over the goddamn place.

When he saw him at the very same table that he and his friends had lunch at every day, he snapped.

"Hello there," Youngjae greeted him, hesitantly looking at the table, a food tray resting in his hands.

"Oh, hey. Wanna sit?"

"Uh... this is actually... my table. The one I usually sit at with my friends."

Jaebeom's face lit with a vague curiosity, making him look intrigued, then a smile rose from the corners of his mouth, surprising Youngjae in the most unexpected way.

"Sorry about that. I'll find another table."

"You don't... _have_ to leave, I was just saying... I - you can still sit here."

"I take it I am ready to meet your friends?"

Youngjae raised one of his brows, much to Jaebeom's amusement.

"Relax. I'm just teasing you. I don't care for that, I know you don't, either."

Amused still, Jaebeom kept munching on his burger, avoiding any unnecessary eye contact with his colleague. Even so, when the table got occupied by none others than Youngjae's friends, his facial expression changed to what could easily be interpreted as the coldest bitch face in history.

"So you do have other friends," Jackson spoke first, analyzing Jaebeom's blank, intimidating face. "I am officially offended."

"I would certainly not call myself a friend of Youngjae's. But I am called Lim Jaebeom, so hello."

"Hey, what's up. I'm Mark Tuan."

"Jackson Wang."

"I'm Jin - "

"Park Jinyoung, right? We lived on the same street a few years ago."

"Yes. So you remember."

"I have a great memory."

"I wouldn't know about that. Whenever I saw you, you were too shitfaced to even spell your own name."

Silence installed itself among the five, with Jaebeom now licking his lower lip as if spitefully. He didn't bother to combat Jinyoung's harsh words, but he low-key wished he would have been more discrete about it.

"You guys, I nearly forgot!" Jackson blurted in an attempt to create a diversion from the tense situation. "I have some tickets for the Defsoul concert this Saturday. Who's in?"

"Hell yeah!" Mark replied instantly, giving him a peck on the cheek.

"Sounds good to me!"

"I'm in too."

Jaebeom was the only one who made no grimace.

"You all like Defsoul?" he asked.

"You don't?"

"I don't know. He's kinda... edgy."

"He's the hottest artist trending online right now," Mark said.

"I think he's brilliant," Youngjae added innocently.

"That's because you have a crush on him."

"Would you shut up, I do not have a crush on him!"

"Denial is the first sign."

"How can I have a crush on someone I don't even know? On someone I haven't even seen, mind you!"

"Again with this?" Jackson huffed, taking the topic a little too personally.

"It doesn't have anything to do with how you and Mark met, okay? I'm just saying that I am not the type of person who - "

"Uh, Jaeb-beom?"

Everyone turned to the side to be met with the stuttering and blushing image of one of the girls from economics, Somi. She was usually one of the funny and lively girls, very outspoken, but now she was having high difficulties in finding her words.

"I was... wondering if, uh... if you have uh... any p-plans for Saturday," she managed to say to Jaebeom, who smirked with interest.

"As a matter of fact, I don't."

She smiled widely, cheeks reddening even more.

"There is this concert, uh... and if you'd like to, I was thinking - "

"Let me guess. You're going to see Defsoul."

"Yes!"

"I'll tell you what. Let's meet after you attend the concert, and we'll find something fun to do then, okay? Does that sound good?"

"Yes."

Somi left, utterly mesmerized and doing a little wiggle from her feet as she walked away. Out of everyone, Youngjae was the most puzzled.

"Bottom line is, you don't like Defsoul," he concluded.

"I said nothing of the sort."

"She legit asked you to go with her at his concert and you wanna meet with her afterwards, man," Mark added.

"I don't have anything against the guy. He sings nice. I just don't like concerts."

"Who the hell doesn't like concerts?! That's like saying you don't like music!"

"Me. I don't. I am not a fan of the crowds and the bodily fluids of others on me. In public, at least. Have fun, though! I hear he's a blast."

Jaebeom stood up with his empty tray and left the four friends, stepping out of the heavily tensed atmosphere.

"You know, Somi isn't the first one who gushes over Jaebeom," Jackson remarked.

"Please," Jinyoung huffed. "Tell me a person who _doesn't_ gush over that guy."

"For starters... no one at this table?"

Looks were exchanged after Youngjae's words and everyone nodded in agreement.

"I've even seen a couple of guys drooling over him," Jinyoung commented.

"Not just that, but like... at least two dozen chicks talked to him over the past few weeks, giggling and clinging onto every word he said. I think they were asking him out and... I'm pretty sure some of them gave him presents."

"What?" Youngjae made a face of confusion and disgust.

"Don't they have some self-esteem?"

"Not for Jaebeom, apparently."

"He gets all those things just because he fits a certain beauty standard?"

"He is fine as fuck," Jackson brought it up again.

"Would you knock it off?"

"Would you knock it off with the jealousy? Just because I'm chained to the fence it doesn't mean I can't bark at the cars."

Mark frowned.

"Did you - did you just compare our relationship to a dog being tied to a fence?"

"It was a matter of speech!"

"Guys... come on."

"Sorry."

"Youngjae," Jinyoung told him, "you realize you're also a really handsome guy, right?"

"Thanks for the white lie, but we all know it's not true. I would get invited on dates and have girls drool over me and be offered presents as well if that were the case. I am not really handsome. I'm... decent looking."

"If I was a girl, I would totally date you."

Jinyoung patted his shoulder which, oddly enough, reminded Youngjae of when Jaebeom did it whilst advising him to not get any closer.

"That's a pity date, Jinyoung. It doesn't count."

"No, it's not. It's out of love! Come on! Let me - Youngjae! Youngjae, damn it, let me love you! Come on!"

Inevitably, Jinyoung started tickling Youngjae and making him laugh uncontrollably, which eventually did boost his mood, but it didn't prevent him from thinking about the whole Jaebeom situation. It was driving him crazy up to the point where even he didn't know exactly what was going on.

Nevertheless, he thought he could at least have some fun at the concert on Saturday with his friends instead of being at home, all bitter.


	9. Chapter 9

Youngjae was the last one to leave the classroom, and seemingly the university, too, but he had some inquiries to discuss with some of his colleagues for an upcoming presentation and, being the good guy that he was, he couldn't leave out any detail.

He packed the rest of his belongings, put his bag over his shoulder, and then froze on the spot.

A voice, so enchanting and unique, like honey drizzling down, made its flow right across his ears. His knees went weak and body numb.

He knew that voice like the back of his hand.

It was none other than Defsoul's hauntingly beautiful octaves playing somewhere in the background.

With caution, Youngjae left the classroom and followed the sound into the hallway. There must've been something else than a recording or a song played from a device. It sounded _too_ vivid. With slightly trembling hands, Youngjae noticed a single silhouette behind one of the lockers, singing.

His heart skipped many beats.

Two beats. Three, four, five beats.

It couldn't have been.

His idol, right there, in the hallway of his university?? Singing carelessly like there was nothing else around him??

Wait, wait, maybe Youngjae was imagining the whole thing. Yes, that was it. It was just a random guy listening to Def.

But he voice was so raspy, so clear to Youngjae's ears that it could not have been a recording for anything in the world. It was a real voice, doing adlibs as the lyrics slipped off of his tongue.

With too much adrenaline pumping in his system, Youngjae took some steps back so that he was right in the doorway of the classroom again. He had no idea what to do next. His first instinct was to take out his phone and text Mark, but his icy hands withheld him from that action.

The singing stopped a few seconds later, and the mysterious silhouette passed by without noticing Youngjae, talking on the phone.

"I'll meet you outside the venue, then. I'll come find you. Sure."

Youngjae's heart stopped for good this time as he watched, Lim Jaebeom, the only other presence in the hallway, leave the building.


	10. Chapter 10

At Jinyoung's suggestion, they all met for a drink before the concert. They should have been at the venue around six o'clock to get to their seats easily, which meant they were day drinking, but it was past midday so it was acceptable.

And neither of them had a problem with that, especially not Jackson.

"How many glasses of whiskey did Jackson have so far?" Youngjae asked Jinyoung, both watching as the subject of their conversation was dancing chaotically with Mark.

"More than three, I guess, based on how bad this looks."

Jinyoung giggled though, enjoying the sight.

"They're really great together, I have to give them credit."

"Yeah. They are."

"They kinda make you believe in love again."

Youngjae had been staring at his beer bottle for the past ten minutes, not feeling like doing anything. His mind couldn't stop spinning.

He hadn't talked to any of his friends about the previous day or how he barely slept two hours. He simply couldn't shut his mind down. It was working at high speed, trying to process the events, but Youngjae was simply too terrified to jump to conclusions.

Even if that incriminatory piece of evidence was pretty self-explanatory.

"You alright? You've been really quiet."

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Then stop ripping the label on the bottle."

Youngjae looked at said bottle which indeed had many holes in its paper due to excessive scratching. He couldn't prevent his nerves from making him react that way. It was better than any other alternative, though. 

He was a storm of emotions and he was not sure which one he should allow to take over.

"If there's something wrong, you know you can talk to me, right?" Jinyoung pushed.

"I know. Thanks. But it's just... a stupid... feeling. I'm a bit moody, that's all."

"If you're sure then," he raised his glass, taking a sip shortly after.

"MARKSON FOREVER!!!"

Jackson's scream caused heads to turn and people watched him cling onto Mark however he could. Mark was giggling uncontrollably, clearly smitten with the adorable shenanigans and enjoying it. Even Jinyoung and Youngjae couldn't stop smiling at them.

Despite the fact that Jackson had been bummed out when they forcefully took him out of the bar in order to get to the concert, he complied, drunkenly putting his arm around Mark, more out of love rather than for physical support. Luckily, they got to the venue just in time, occupying four of the middle seats. They didn't want to be as close as they had been the last time.

Heart in his throat and stomach growling angrily, Youngjae watched Def perform every song in his repertoire, searching for any clue that would support the theory according to which he was, well, downright insane.

But fucking hell, there was nothing to pick up. Def was wearing one of his famous all-black outfits again, which hid his face and body very well. Youngjae tried to spot his eyes at least, but no luck; the snapback he was wearing, which spelled DOPE, was pulled down on his forehead too much.

Youngjae only realized that the concert had come to an end when he saw the missing person on the stage and when he didn't hear Jackson's loud chants on his right side.

A little disappointed, but still convinced that he was out of his goddamn mind, he was the first one of his friends to walk outside, suspecting that Jinyoung and Mark would have to carry Jackson out since he was too euphoric to succumb to basic commands anymore.

"Ah, Jaebeom, you came!"

Upon hearing Somi's squeaky voice, Youngjae decided to greet her, not realizing just how close Jaebeom was standing to him. When his eyes met Jaebeom's, that devastating storm of feelings came back in a rush, affecting his normal functions.

"Hey," he said, greeting both of them.

"Did you enjoy the concert?" Jaebeom asked.

"Yes. It was really good."

"Oh, it was incredible! Defsoul is such an amazing artist!"

Jaebeom tried to suppress a smile by lowering his head, and this only offered Youngjae the chance to notice the snapback he was wearing. 

His heart jumped in his stomach and his lungs failed to get the necessary amount of air.

"Cool snapback," he said, barely able to talk.

"Thanks."

"It's funny, but it looks exactly like the one Defsoul just had on stage."

Jaebeom was silenced and he didn't even acknowledge Somi's presence anymore.

"Really? Huh. Interesting."

Youngjae nodded, anxiously waiting for some sort of verbal confirmation.

 _Like Jaebeom would blatantly shout this in front of all these people,_ he thought.

"It must be a really popular brand. I had it for a while now," he eventually said. "Shall we?"

Somi nodded in excitement, linking her arm with Jaebeom's. Youngjae remained in the same spot, looking at them until eventually they faded out of the picture.

He was not out of his mind.

He was not insane.

He was purely shocked.

And he had no idea how to even break it to his friends that their favorite idol was walking by them on a daily basis.


	11. Chapter 11

None of the books Youngjae has read throughout his life could be of use right now.

He was stumped, truly, for the first time ever, heart throbbing inside his chest whenever he saw Jaebeom walk by him. His nerves were snapping, blood nearly boiling in his veins, his whole body ultra-sensitive to the black-haired boy who hid such a mind-blowing secret.

All that Youngjae could think about was him. The real him.

Who else knew? Did he tell anyone? Did he use that to get favors? Was that the reason why so many girls were asking him out? Did he flaunt his vocals to earn more attention? Was he using it as a pretext to get laid? 

He had lost precious sleep and concentration over those never ending questions which tormented the depths of his soul.

About two weeks went by in that manner. His friends had no clue whatsoever what was going on inside poor Youngjae's brain. Ironically, the only person he could possibly talk to about the whole situation was none other than Jaebeom.

But he was simply terrible at confrontation. For starters.

Then it was also the issue of having to control his anger.

Youngjae witnessed the subject of his breakdown gather his things at the end of a lecture on a rainy Wednesday morning. Headphones were scattered on his desk, phone unlocked and playing a song that Youngjae used to listen to all day, "Don't Worry".

He found it funny for some reason, but no smile rose from the corner of his mouth.

Instead, he approached Jaebeom, noticing a smug look on his face.

"Got another hot date?" Youngjae asked without hesitation.

He failed to remember if he had ever been that angry. Jaebeom stared seemingly to the depths of his soul with that intense gaze, and the younger shivered for some unknown reason.

 _Shit_ , he thought to himself. _It's that look. Of course it's him._

It was that damned look, the one he couldn't get out of his head after his first Def concert. It felt like a distant memory now, when his illusion was far easier to maintain rather than that mess.

"And you're interested because...?"

"Sheer curiosity."

Youngjae pointed to his phone.

"I thought you said you don't really like Def."

"It's a good song. So sue me for having good taste."

Youngjae bit his lips in frustration, trying to avoid Jaebeom's gaze. He couldn't describe, not to himself even, how he felt.

It was a mixture of anger, desperation, and quite possibly other feelings he hadn't felt in all his life.

"Did you need anything in particular? I gotta meet up with someone."

"No. No, forget it. Forget I even talked to you. Have fun, go get some, whatever."

Youngjae stormed out, leaving behind a confused, yet intrigued Jaebeom. The latter, although Youngjae had no idea, found it _extremely_ appealing that the boy was all of a sudden so manly.


	12. Chapter 12

Inevitably, Mark, Jackson and Jinyoung did manage to get something out of Youngjae. The boy's explanation for his peculiar behavior left all three bewildered.

"How is Def gonna react or feel when he hears he's not your crush anymore, but some messed up university guy instead?" Jackson joked.

"Trust me, he wouldn't give a single fuck."

"Whoa, hey, strong language in use!"

Mark put his arm around his friend's neck, slightly concerned. He was the only one who knew that whenever Youngjae was angry, he slipped the occasional cuss word in his phrases.

"Did Jaebeom do something to you?" Mark insisted, gently.

"No. He's - he's just a - a fucking phony, that's all."

"How is he a phony, exactly?"

"Yeah, what do you mean with - "

Youngjae rose from his seat, pushing the chair into the table with a loud sound. He couldn't calm down for the life of him, and it did not make any sense why he was feeling that way. 

He knew that he felt betrayed and hurt by the one he considered his idol for nearly two years.

"He's a fucking phony, okay? I don't - let's just leave it - I can't. I can't!"

"Youngjae, Youngjae, look at me! Hey, Youngjae," Jinyoung grabbed his arms to forcefully soothe him. "You need to stop. Whatever's going on, it's... crippling you."

"I know... I know."

"And if you don't wanna tell us, that's fine. But you have to snap out of it."

"I might have an idea," Jackson smiled.

"What?"

"I know this guy, he's a freshman - "

"I don't need you to set me up, Jackson."

"Just hear me out! He's really handsome, taller than any of us, a little shy, but if once you get past that... I'm assuming it is one good ride."

Mark's eyes shot right at Jackson, questioning his methods of help.

"How the hell is a blind date supposed to make me feel better?" Youngjae shouted.

Jackson raised a brow.

"You're kidding, right? You just seem so frustrated and tense, I figured a bit of fun wouldn't hurt, you know what I'm saying? A palate cleanser?"

"Are you trying to get him laid?" Jinyoung finally asked.

"I seem to be the only one trying hard enough, yes! Damn, you guys are tough audience."

"It's not that we don't appreciate the help or the questionable humor, babe - "

While the three kept bickering, Youngjae's mind started to wander off again into dangerous territory. All he could see was Defsoul and Lim Jaebeom merged into one, the same persona, changing after a concert, picking up a needy girl, stripping her down to the flesh and tasting every portion he could touch, suck on or lick, and it made him physically ill.

He was getting furious again, so he decided to take a leap of faith.

"I'll do it," he said all of a sudden, putting an end to the previous discussion.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I'm - thinking too much. I'm living too much in my head and too little in the moment. I gotta relax. I just - I Just have to, otherwise I'm gonna lose my goddamn mind. So... set it up, Jackson."

Jackson smiled, gesture followed by a squeaky sound, which Mark couldn't help but find annoyingly adorable. 

The only one left suspicious was Jinyoung, who had the feeling that there was far more to the story than Youngjae was sharing, and thought he could check out things on his own for his friend's sake.

But after all, if Youngjae truly wanted to get his mind off of whatever was destroying him so badly, who was he to stand between him and a good night?


	13. Chapter 13

"So, uh, Jackson told me that you study literature."

"Yes, I do."

"That must be pretty boring at times, or?"

"It's actually pretty interesting if you're really into it. There are many thing to go through, to understand, to know and to analyze. What about you, what are you studying?"

"I'm an arts freshman."

"Oh, that's cool!"

Youngjae had been nothing but honest and polite throughout his date and frankly, he had been enjoying it a lot. It was his first blind date, and this boy Jackson thought as suitable for him, Kim Yugyeom, truly was a delight.

He was, all things considered, sweet and funny and charming. And Youngjae really was having a good time. He finally escaped the prison of his mind after almost a month of craziness and torturing dreams and assumptions. They met at a local pub, both ordering something to eat for lunch, and their conversation, though pretty basic, were easy and entertaining, which Youngjae appreciated deeply.

That was what he wanted, what he always pursued, comfortable and simple. He couldn't have handled complex, mind-blowing situations that twisted his insides so painfully, seemingly tearing his heart and clouding his mind in darkness.

He was drifting away again. He shook his head in denial and smiled towards Yugyeom, eager to focus on him and him alone.

If things continued at that rate and with the help of some alcohol, events could have transpired in both their favor.

***

It was definitely not Jaebeom's style to look at the watch and feel those ticking seconds like a large explosion in his stomach. Seconds passed by painfully slow, yet fast as the same time.

He was standing in the empty classroom, feeling like an idiot, which he absolutely despised. He despised simply standing there, left without any explanation. He kicked one of the chairs and went straight to the cafeteria.

How fortunate of him that he managed to run into Jinyoung.

Steps as frustrated as him, Jaebeom practically crashed into his former neighbor, one hand grabbing his collar. The younger pushed his hand away, forehead scrunching at the irritating gesture.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Jinyoung growled.

"Have you seen Youngjae?"

"He's out."

Jaebeom rolled his eyes, teeth clenching.

"Do you mind being a little more specific?"

"What's it to you where he is?"

"We were supposed to have our weekly study session. And being abandoned like an idiot in the middle of the day without a solid reason or fair warning is kinda pissing me off."

"I can see that."

"So? Where is he?"

"First of all, relax and back away from me. Second, he's out on a date."

It took Jaebeom some time to process the last word that Jinyoung enhanced. His brows furrowed at the piece of information received.

"Date, you say."

"It was something set up so he probably didn't have time to explain it to you. He doesn't act this way usually. But I guess this is what happens, having spent too much time around you."

It was clear that Jinyoung still had some old grudge against Jaebeom, which the latter understood to some extent. He wasn't thick headed. He did try to sleep with him one evening, after an afternoon filled with drinks and strangers whose faces he could not remember. 

But he did apologize and nicely avoided him ever since.

"Thanks," Jaebeom muttered. "And I apologize for overreacting."

Jaebeom took out his phone as he basically stormed out of the cafeteria. There was a burning rage in his chest, one he couldn't figure out why it was there in the first place, but it was eating him alive.

It hurt like nothing he'd ever experienced before.

"B! Why the fuck did it take you so long to answer?"

_"Sorry, I was in the - "_

"Save it. Can you come pick me up? I gotta get out of here."

_"Sure, I'll be there in ten minutes. Are you okay? You sound really moody."_

"You know the answer to that question, B."

_"Yeah..."_

"I'm never okay."


	14. Chapter 14

Hours went by astoundingly fast and Youngjae found himself totally immersed into one of Yugyeom's hilarious stories about his older brother, laughing with his jaw unhinged. 

He was truly having a blast, and he felt grateful that Jackson arranged that date for him. He was even considering of asking Yugyeom out again if the boy would be interested as well. It was about time he developed a healthy and real relationship.

He wanted to give the boy a chance.

"That's exactly why I promised myself I will never go out again with him after midnight. Never again," Yugyeom finished the tale, laughing himself.

"I can see why!" Youngjae reciprocated.

After he cooled down a bit, Yugyeom became a little flustered again, trying to speak in a tone that did not give away his nervousness. Youngjae found it very endearing.

"Youngjae, I... I was wondering... I have this dance competition that I will attend this weekend and, well... do you want to meet me beforehand?"

Youngjae's eyes widened a little, smile brightening his face.

"Yes, sounds good! I could come see you dance, too. If you want me there, of course."

Yugyeom blushed.

"Really? You'd come?"

"Yeah!"

"This might make me a bit more nervous than I already am, but... I think I'd really like to know you're in the audience."

They both smiled towards each other, agreeing to go for a walk to discuss the details.

***

"I really don't get it, man. You said he's just helping you study. Why did you almost attack his friend and got so mad when he wasn't there?"

"Don't you think I would've answered had I known?"

Jaebeom's good - and quite possibly sole - friend Bambam huffed, eyes searching his face thoroughly.

"I don't know, B. I have no fucking idea. I feel like I'm losing my mind lately. It's like a... weird, tight hold that he has over me."

"Let me ask you something. And please don't snap at me or hit me!"

"I'll try my best."

"Could it be possible that you're actually... really, and I mean _really_... into him?"

Jaebeom turned his predator-like eyes to Bambam, face empty of any expression.

He searched his subconscious but nothing logic popped up. If he was to give it a good thought... yes, he did find Choi Youngjae interesting and charming in his silly, goodie two shoes way.

He found him interesting from the first minute. Introverted, with a hidden curiosity for things that he should not be involved in, unique and beautiful features... Jaebeom did think about him every now and then. He would've enjoyed a more physical encounter with him for sure.

But Choi Youngjae was textbook goodie two shoes. He was most likely into cheesy stuff, cozy dates and all the things that Jaebeom never offered to anyone.

"I'd consider fooling around with him, sure," he finally admitted. "If he weren't the type to get hurt after a one night stand or a friends with benefits arrangement, that is."

"So he's more of a cheesy guy, huh?"

"Not necessarily. He's... normal. Walks and nice conversations about random shit, being there for someone, loyalty... the things I cannot provide. And this time, I don't think that I can just fuck him then move on. Cause if I did that to him, I don't think he'll make it through and I wouldn't forgive myself."

"Since when do you care about whose feelings you hurt after a one night stand?"

Jaebeom didn't respond.

"Maybe you're underestimating him," Bambam said after a while.

"Maybe. But this is a chance I am not willing to take. Even if he's trying so hard to pretend like he's not interested. I'll pass this one."

"Just to make it clear, you're not gonna act upon this?"

"Nope."

"You're gonna let him have his date and then the next one and fall in love?"

Jaebeom's teeth and fists clenched, but he soon unhinged both and took deep breaths.

"Yes. It's what he should have. He gives the vibe of a chill, decent guy."

"Isn't this the type you drool over?"

"Shut up and keep driving."


	15. Chapter 15

It was Jaebeom's sixth sleepless night.

Hours went by as he tried to conquer his insomnia to a desperate extent. He tried drinking tea, taking sleeping pills and even meditating, but nothing had worked. Whenever he closed his eyes, he opened them right back.

So he spent night after night by writing some incoherent lyrics, hoping to at least be more productive. He did manage to come up with a new song, fortunately, just in time for his concert on Saturday. He failed to feel tired as he consumed up to four cups of coffee, neatly and thoroughly preparing for the show. He planned to arrive earlier, given the fact that there was a group of dancers or something at the venue beforehand which he actually hoped he could catch a glimpse of.

Jaebeom didn’t call BamBam to drive him to the venue this time. He needed to be alone, at least until the evening truly began. He opted for black clothes again, yet his street style was replaced with the chic aspect of jeans, t-shirt and black jacket, all completed with a snapback, a key element to his stage presence. His mind was working at high speed, rehearsing the lyrics of his new song, _“Holic”,_ and playing the sequences of his last meeting with Youngjae.

He huffed.

_Youngjae._

That boy was practically living inside his head by this time.

It was excruciatingly painful, yet intriguing, to him.

There was something undecipherable about Choi Youngjae that he would have _loved_ to find out and explore. But he was quick to dismiss his own thoughts, shaking his head in denial and muttering some cuss words to himself.

He remembered how he had forbid himself to even think about that boy and the endless possibilities of _how_ he wanted him. To Jaebeom, it was never an intimate affair: he was a rough lover, asserting his dominance from the moment zero and ensuring that the second part knew that as well. 

While many might have argued that he had a certain addiction to the carnal pleasures, Jaebeom felt like it was hardly an addiction. He simply enjoyed the feeling of it once in a blue moon, but that was it. It was purely physical.

He never needed anyone in any other way than physically.

"Seeing your body coming in / Before I know it / I'm thirsty... my reaction / My whole body reacts to your sweet scent... it's alright..."

Alone in his car, Jaebeom kept singing his lyrics wholeheartedly, without the fear of someone interrupting or hearing him. His voice was a bit shaky perhaps due to nervousness and the sleep deprivation; it was about to be the first time he performed the new song in front of his fans.

There was a mixture of feelings inside of him though.

Some unresolved issues and a hot, blind rage nearly, an inexplicable plain, both from his past and his present, but nonetheless, he tried his absolute best to conceal them, as he usually did, and to focus on what he had to do.

He checked the time, got out of the car and went straight to the venue, noticing from the screams and music that the dance competition had already started. Deciding in a split second to detach a bit before his performance, Jaebeom got lost in the small crowd, trying to catch a good glimpse of the dancers.

There was a tall boy on the stage, red haired, though his roots were visibly black and some others of his hair were somewhat pink. He smiled right before beginning his number.

"Woooo! Go Yugyeommie!"

The loud yell in his vicinity caught his attention and when he turned to the left, the impact had nearly caused him a heart attack.

Youngjae.

Head turned away almost as a reflex, Jaebeom lowered his head and left the crowd, making his way backstage.

He certainly did not need that aggravation. And not tonight.

He couldn't help but wonder just how the hell did Youngjae knew the dancer. He cheered for him, which meant they must've known each other. Mere seconds later, realization hit Jaebeom like a truck.

The dancer was most likely Youngjae's previous date. Or current. Were they on a date? Were they still dating? Or were they going out afterwards?

All that Jaebeom hoped was that they wouldn't get all touchy during his concert.

That is, if they would have stayed at all.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One word: confrontation.

Fortunately, as the night progressed, Jaebeom, now in Defsoul mode, sang his compositions, voice a little too raspy and insecure. As luck would have it, there was no sign of unnecessary touching between Youngjae and that dancer.

Jaebeom's attentive eyes searched the crowd from time to time, careful so as to not look too further up and spoil his appearance, but, giving it a better thought, there was no sign of Youngjae in there at all.

He wasn't there.

"I wanna sing a new song for you, guys. I wrote it this week when I couldn't sleep, and all that I could do was... well, think about all sorts of things. I hope you'll like it."

Jaebeom's vocals enhanced carefully every note and every lyric, eyes closed as he poured his heart out, feeling every word a little too close to home. Though he might have offered his audience a collected and heartfelt presence, his mind and heart were both in utter chaos and despair.

Slowly but suerly, Jaebeom finished the song, thanking his fans as per usual, then exited the stage without a single word to add, but with thunderous applause. He felt suffocated all of a sudden and he needed fresh air before he would collapse.

Being in the comfort of his own backstage room, he took off his snapback and jacket, his skin breathing into the air. He inhaled sharply and exhaled just so for a little while and it did make him feel better.

He took out his phone, ready to call Bambam, when he bumped into a silhouette just outside the room.

"Y-Youngjae," he groaned.

He suddenly knew how suspicious it must've looked to an outsider, but based on Youngjae's facial expression, he seemed unfazed and even unimpressed. 

He gulped seeing the boy in front of him cross his arms at his chest, as if waiting for something. It was then that Jaebeom's mind began racing once again.

He put all of the pieces of the puzzle together, and tried to see if he was, indeed, right about what was happening.

"Did you catch the dance contest?" he began.

"Yes. My date was up there, too. Kim Yugyeom. He's the only reason I'm here tonight."

"Ah. So he's Yugyeommie."

Youngjae trembled, God knows why, but he didn't walk away like he wanted to. He felt like he should have a confrontation, and he felt prepared for it for the first time ever.

"Was the date any good?"

"Stop asking me bullshit questions. You and I both know you don't give a shit."

Jaebom licked his bottom lip in anticipation of something that quite honestly failed to reveal itself.

"You're so repellent all of a sudden."

"You should ask yourself why. For a usually nice and decent guy, this crosses a major line."

"I don't have to ask myself anything. How long have you known?"

Youngjae was astounded, but he stood his ground.

"Know _what_ , exactly?"

"Come on. You're better than this."

"Consider the possibility that right now I'm not."

"You really need me to say it?"

"Kind of, yes."

"Based on how hard you tried to keep the distance and to not acknowledge my presence, I'd say it's been... about a month."

Youngjae nodded, furious.

"How did you find out?"

"I heard you singing... and talking on the phone, meeting someone at the venue... your clothes..."

His anger was interfering with his well-thought sentences and prevented them from being properly formulated, frustrating him beyond imagination.

"I can tell you're pretty pissed off right now."

"You can tell?? You don't have to think about it because it's obvious?? It's like textbook to you?? What the fuck is this, what the fuck does all that even mean?!"

"I majored in psychology before I came here. I have this talent of reading people and figuring out what they really think, way before they know they are telling me through their body language."

"Good for you, congratulations! I don't give a shit! And yes, I am pretty pissed off at the moment."

"Why? We're not friends. We're barely acquaintances. You barely know me."

"Exactly! I thought - I thought I knew you! I thought I knew you and that I adored this underground, mysterious and incredibly talented guy Def who makes amazing music... but now..."

"Now what? The fantasy lives on if you want it."

"No. It doesn't."

"You're angry because you tried to hide the fact that you're embarrassed."

"Embarrassed? Embarrassed about what?! And stop analyzing me!"

Jaebeom raised his brows, surprised with Youngjae's reaction. The younger clearly had some more aspects to his persona that he had yet to uncover, and he was quite a fan of this one.

"You were so close to practically worship Def, and through his music, you were subconsciously attracted to him. And now that you know who he really is and that you've met him, that you've known him for months... you feel embarrassed, and slightly guilty, because you're beyond intrigued."

Shook due to the unexpected turn of events, Youngjae distanced himself from Jaebeom.

"I wouldn't feel attracted or even remotely interested in someone like you even if I was forced to."

"That's the beauty of it. Nobody's forcing anything except you. You're forcing yourself to live and believe a lie."

"Oh, come on! You cannot be this arrogant and cocky and - and narcissistic!"

"I'm not. I'm simply stating facts."

"Facts my ass!"

"You can't attack me on this ground, Youngjae. You have no clue who I am."

"I guess I don't."

The chestnut haired boy left, leaving Jaebeom with a smirk on his face and an odd feeling of relief and pride. 

While his face carried his infamous blankness, hundreds of feelings were running wild inside of him. He might've stopped breathing too, he was not entirely sure.

But he was quite convinced that his intuition did not make things better in the end.


	17. Chapter 17

Jaebeom had always despised himself for many reasons that others could not comprehend. He learned to understand the things that were wrong with him and from where they originated, but the loathing was almost never ending.

But majoring in psychology and then literature as a follow-up, that was probably the only reason to have some pride about himself.

Until now. When even that stopped feeling like a good thing.

He checks the time.

1:31 a.m.

It has been over a week since he'd been exposed and yet he couldn't help but blame himself for causing Youngjae such pain and hatred towards his person.

Why? Why was he blaming himself?

It was not his fault. No part of it. He hadn't lied to the boy, he hadn't purposely hid it from him. He just so happened to be smarted and quicker than the rest of his hypnotized fans. Why the hell was Jaebeom feeling it all so heavily in his chest, heart aching at the thought of a broken Youngjae?

He tried to close his eyes for a few seconds, but he opened them back again.

He hadn't slept properly in nearly a month.

***

Meanwhile, Mark had been observing some significant changes in Youngjae's behavior, some aspects he failed to recognize. He was barely active in classes, he was suspiciously quiet and his overall appearance was a wreck. His eyes even stopped carrying that bright spark they always seemed to have within since forever.

Worried over his head, he asked Jinyoung to meet him earlier in the cafeteria, just to see if the two of them can put their heads together and solve the problem.

"I've noticed, too," Jinyoung said after Mark was done explaining. "Something's really bothering him."

"I don't assume he's told you anything lately, did he?"

"Nope. But I have a feeling this has to do with Lim Jaebeom."

Mark was utterly surprised.

"What makes you say that?" he raised a brow, not convinced.

"I know it looks like I'm constantly holding a grudge against the guy for no apparent reason, but I've... researched the topic a bit."

"Researched - this isn't a damn course, Jinyoung, what do you mean - "

"The guy has serious issues, okay? Listen to me. He always fools around with girls and boys, then after a few rounds of pleasure, he leaves."

"So he's a fuckboy. That's not exactly a life-threatening thing."

"He walks away from everyone he uses, you can't even say he dumps them. He just... leaves. I know this one from personal experience, too."

"I wouldn't categorize that as having serious issues though, more like - personal experience?"

"I didn't sleep with him or anything! I just know it! Plus, I talked to one of my neighbors who saw Jaebeom more often and better. And apparently, one time he was keen on some girl that was flirting with another guy, double Jaebeom's size. He punched his head through the wall."

There was a deafening silence between the two, during which Mark gulped and Jinyoung's eyes fixated on the other's.

"This... can't be right." Mark muttered. "Are you sure?"

"He punched. That guy's head. Through a fucking wall. He's got major anger issues."

"Okay... this is pretty bad. If he's got such anger and jealousy issues, we gotta make sure he stays the hell away from Youngjae."

"I wouldn't worry about that."

Both turned at the hoarse voice behind them, belonging to none other than Jaebeom himself. The latter smirked briefly, though it was not his usual cocky gesture.

"Youngjae doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't blame him for that, really. So, suffice to say, there won't be any problems caused."

"Why? What did you do to him?"

"I would've guessed he told you already."

"Tell us what?"

Jaebeom paused, unsure whether he should continue or not. He huffed, deciding not to. It should've came from Youngjae. It was no longer his big secret. And those were his friends, thus he had no business there.

"He will tell you at some point. And then you can all get together and hate me."

He turned his back on them, but Mark couldn't withhold his curiosity anymore.

"Did you really attack the guy, the one - the one who was flirting with the girl you liked? Did you really punch his head through the wall?"

Jaebeom stood still, struggling to remain composed in spite of the painful memory brought forcefully upon him.

"It was nowhere near as horrible as you make it sound. I hit his head, yes, I hit him against the wall, but he barely got a concussion."

"That's not what I heard," Jinyoung replied acidly.

"The truth is always in the middle. Believe what you want, see if I care."

"Still, that was over the top, Just because you were jealous? Come on."

"Jinyoung, if you still can't get over the fact that I tried to hook up with you one night, you'll have to find some other way to cope."

"What?!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"If you wanna push me to the sidelines, at least be honest about it."

Mark was shook at the revelation - and the situation he had involuntarily created - so he found he could only watch the scene unfold before his eyes.

"I just want my friend to be safe and happy," Jinyoung said with clenched teeth. "And right now, I don't know whatever it is that you're doing, but you're hurting him."

"He hurt himself by snooping around. That's the whole story. I did not do anything to him and I don't appreciate being blamed for something without solid proof."

"Jinyoung - "

"You're hurting Youngjae. You're turning him into something he's not."

"Jinyoung, people are staring - "

"If you'd have some self-respect you'd stay away from Youngjae. You're ruining his life like you ruined yours and who knows how many others'!"

Before Jaebeom could lash out and offer a very cruel reply, he was distracted by the sudden appearance of the conversation's subject, looking bewildered at the three of them. His eyes shot at his friends first, then locked with Jaebeom's.

The feeling he had from when they first made that contact had not disappeared.

After months, that burning look was still embedded into his mind.

And oh, how he loathed it.

"What's going on?" Youngjae asked suspiciously.

"Nothing. I'm - I'm sorry," was all Jinyoung could say, visibly flustered at his own behavior.

"Your friend was pointing out that I should stop being around you because I am ruining your life. Not that I was levitating so much around you before, but I'll stop regardless."

"I can make decisions for myself, you know that, right?"

"I do. I'm so sorry, Youngjae, I'm very sorry. I'm the rational and laid back guy, I don't - " Jinyoung tried to apologize.

"Goodbye, Youngjae."

Jaebeom walked away, with his nemesis and obsessive new interest watching his every step. Instead of following his gut, which only yelled that it was a stupid idea to fall even deeper into that pit of despair and confusion, Youngjae ran after him.

"Wait," he said, touching his shoulder. "I may have, uh... overreacted when we met at the concert."

"You don't have to come up with excuses to - "

"I'm not! And because I am the bigger person here, I want to uh... I want to apologize. I had some time now to process this whole thing and... it's not your fault."

Jaebeom could not hide his surprise.

"Is that really your opinion?" he asked.

"Yes. You never hid this on purpose from me, nor did you lie to me about it. I was just too passionate about Def, I guess, and... I got too close."

"I'm - I'm sorry, too. For... being fucked up."

"What?"

Jaebeom sighed. Now or never, he thought.

"When I told you to stay away from me, I meant it. Now your friends want the same thing. If anything, and I do not believe in crap like this, it's a fucking sign you shouldn't keep me in your contacts list, Youngjae. You're warm and... genuinely nice and loving and caring... shortly, everything I am not. Never was and never will be."

"No one is born messed up. I'm guessing something happened to you down the road."

" _You_ are going all psychiatrist on _me?_ "

For the first time in weeks, Youngjae actually smiled, and it was a wide smile too.

"Maybe some day we can restart this and... you know, actually talk. Without bullshit. From your side, of course. I am a genuinely nice person."

Jaebeom smiled too, very briefly, as if scaring he would be exposed. He coughed shortly, revealing once again a cold and composed attitude. Though a smile was still fighting to erupt from the corners of his lips.

"You really are a nice person, huh?"

"Oh, well, what can you do?"

"A lot, actually. You'd be knocked out."

Youngjae blushed vaguely, unsure as to why.

"But more on that when you consider you'll be ready to talk. See you."

Watching Jaebeom leave was not as painful this time. Perhaps it was something else in between that did not allow Youngjae to stop thinking about him, in any form. He was clearly lacking in the social skills department, but all in all, Jaebeom was... a _very_ attractive risk.


	18. Chapter 18

Neither of them was sure quite how or why they were in that sleazy pub at almost midnight, but it felt like something that both of them were secretly yearning to do, and the second round of beers provided them with enough bravery to carry out a more serious conversation.

"So. Tell me. Why do you keep claiming you're fucked up?"

Jaebeom analyzed Youngjae's serious face thoroughly, weighting on his potential answer. There were many things to say at once, things he never spoke about, and he was not sure whether Youngjae was capable of hearing, or more importantly, handle them all.

Or rather if he himself was ready to give it away.

"Because I am. I made myself like this. Unintentionally at first, but then I... couldn't stop."

Youngjae noticed Jaebeom's restless hands moving in his lap, filled with little scars. His brows furrowed.

"What are those?" he asked without hesitation, caring still.

Jaebeom huffed.

He got into that twisted game, he might as well just finish it. For he was convinced that if Youngjae didn't hate him by then, he eventually would.

"I never met my natural parents. They died when I was a few months old. I spent my childhood and teenage years in an orphanage where I was verbally and emotionally abused by the other frustrated and lonely kids. It was like law of the jungle: the strongest one survives by eating the weak ones. Sometimes even the caretakers would take swings at me. So I... cut my wrists. I know it may seem stupid, causing myself more pain on top of the existing pain, but it was a coping mechanism. These look so bad because the caretaker that I am talking about, Angie, she was putting out her cigarettes on my wrists."

"Why - Why would she do that to a kid?"

"She loved having her personal ashtray, I guess. She saw me hurt myself. 'Oh, you want pain? I'll give you pain, you annoying little piece of shit', she said. After three months of her doing this, I left. I was sixteen and they could've kept me there for two more years but I ran away. I met a pact with this guy I befriended, Bambam. He's still my friend, my best friend. Or my only friend, if you will. We both ran away, got jobs, shared an apartment, worked whatever we could to earn more money, we put ourselves through psychology and art universities, and... here I am now."

Youngjae tried hard to process everything at high speed, and barely succeeded. There was so much to register at once.

Nonetheless, he began to get a better idea as to why Lim Jaebeom was so mysterious and downright dark.

"Those are... burn marks, then," he muttered.

"Most of them anyway, yes. What else do you want to know?"

"Oh, uh... well, I was... wondering about the, uh... the things that Jinyoung said. About you and that guy you... tackled... your drunken nights."

"I didn't 'tackle' the guy. I was really pissed off, I will admit to that, and I couldn't act fully decent. My mind was a haze and my anger got the best of me, so I grabbed a handful of his hair and hit his head against the wall, once. It was the worst thing I ever did to someone. Physically, at least. He did spent a few days in the hospital with a severe concussion, but he lived. He recovered and he is healthy."

"What about emotionally?"

"What?"

"What's the worst thing you ever did to someone emotionally?"

"Youngjae..."

"What?"

"Why do you wanna go there by all means?"

"I was just curious."

"I can't love, Youngjae. I never did."

"What - what the hell do you mean you can't love? Everybody loves under one form or the other, it's just natural!"

"I don't. It's not for me. I never felt anything for anyone. When I meet someone whom I find attractive, it can get physical, but that's the extent of it. I don't tend to get attached."

"So just... one night stands?"

"Not necessarily. I mean, if I do find the person interesting enough, I go out with him or her a few times more, like a... friends with benefits situation, but I don't feel things on a personal level. I just never did. Maybe I'm broken like that."

"Come on, I'm sure you might've at least liked someone. One crush."

"Never had one."

"That's just the most depressing thing I've heard in my entire life."

Jaebeom chuckled, finishing his beer, then ordering a non-alcoholic one, eyes locked on Youngjae's.

"I don't know how to respond to this, I'm - I'm sorry. For all that's happened to you."

"Don't be. It's in the past."

"But it's fucking you up _now_. And... everyone deserves to be loved and love back."

"That's what _you_ think. Don't give me that whole 'you haven't met the right person yet' or 'love is the force that spins the world around' bullshit because I won't buy it. I've met lots of people and none of them made me feel anything. Nothing at all. It's just how I function."

"That's how robots function."

"Fine. Then let me ask you this: have _you_ ever loved anyone? Had a crush on anyone? What is your take on this gooey, cheesy romance stuff?"

Youngjae remained silent for a little while, thinking well about his response.

It was true that he was far from being a pro at romance, but he did carry some knowledge, he liked to think. And, as much as he enjoyed casting his feelings aside per usual and pretending they are not real, he reckoned that the reason he couldn't stop being mad at Jaebeom for something that was not even a lie and the reason why he was so curious abotu Jaebeom was that he had a real interest in him.

He just wasn't sure how to express it without making a fool out of himself.

"I never loved anyone, either... per se," he finally confessed. "I did like someone, but... nothing serious."

"Kim Yugyeom?"

"Yeah. I think I could have liked him a lot. He's a really cool guy."

"So? Why didn't you?"

""You're the textbook psychological reader, you tell me."

"It doesn't work like that."

"Fine. Remember when you said that I make excuses because I found you, slash Def, interesting to have around?"

"Yes."

"Well... that's basically... why."

Though he didn't know it, Youngjae was much like a world wonder to Jaebeom. Something bright and good that he inexplicably felt attracted to, and somehow this time it was not just for the sake of a good night's fuck. He genuinely... liked being around Youngjae.

As if he was finally discovering himself out for the first time in his life.

"If you're telling me that you dumped Kim Yugyeom for my sake, I will have to laugh in your face and call you an idiot," he responded.

"And here I thought you would be flattered."

"Look, you and I are complete opposites, Youngjae. And this might come as a surprise to you, but contrary to popular belief, opposites do not function."

"Have you studied physics too? Because I did and I can tell you, the opposite polls of a magnet attract and - "

"Youngjae, please. You deserve to be treated... like a prince. You deserve someone as kind and as good as you are. And I can't be that for you."

"Do you at least... feel something? Anything at all?"

"Let me put it plain and simple. I never wanted to fuck anyone more than I do right now."

With eyes widened from shock and a sick flattery as well, Youngjae finished his beer, throat burning to a matching degree with his insides.

"O-kay, uh... well. See? It's - it's something."

"I'm usually a brutally honest guy."

"Sure, yeah, totally fine, no worries. It's cool. Yeah. So... okay. Yeah."

"Like I said, you deserve to be treated like a prince. I can make you feel like one, like a king even, but i can't provide more than physical."

"Have you considered, and hear me out, trying? I'm not saying try with me necessarily, but in general."

"No. I never thought of trying. There never seemed a good enough reason for me to want that."

"Okay, how about this then: next week is Jackson's birthday and we plan to throw him a party. Why don't you join us?"

Jaebeom frowned.

"I can think of many reasons to shoot you down right now."

"Don't be a Grinch."

"I told you that I want to fuck you, more than I ever wanted with anyone else, and that I'm incapable of loving, basically, and your idea is to invite me to a birthday party? With alcohol and recreational drugs maybe?"

"I like taking my chances. Also I think you're full of crap and you need to get over yourself."

"Oh, Youngjae, Youngjae, Youngjae. You're poking the bear and you won't like the end result."

"I think it will be interesting. Come on, it's a baby step. It's a party! Plus, Jackson gets suuuuper vocal and embarrassing when he's drunk."

"That's everyone's dream."

"He mostly embarrasses himself or Mark."

"Oh. Maybe I'll swing by in this case."


	19. Chapter 19

Despite the fact that he was still terribly skeptical regarding the fun part of his presence at Jackson's birthday party, Jaebeom did show up, as he said he would.

He might've had his inner demons to battle, but he sure was a man of his word, which Youngjae appreciated. And Jaebeom was, deep down, somewhat amused to see Mark and Jinyoung's bitterness written over their faces as they saw him walk by casually, though Mark was trying to be a little more sociable as opposed to his friend. Trying to blend in the crowd, Jaebeom went over to the table filled with beverages and poured himself a whiskey neat.

"With all due respect and friendship into the equation, Youngjae, what the fuck is he doing here tonight?" Jinyoung muttered to his friend.

"I invited him."

"I think the more appropriate question is _why the fuck_ would you do that," Mark corrected him.

"Because we... started talking and I got more insight into his messed up life. He's got hella issues, but... he means well. I think."

"You _think?_ We can see he's got issues."

"And I did warn you about that."

"He just needs to loosen up a bit."

"But you were insanely pissed off at him fro God knows what reason, and that shit went on for weeks! You couldn't even look at him, you stopped tutoring him! What the hell could have changed your opinion 180 degrees?"

"Hang on. That's a good point. Why were you pissed off at him anyway?"

Youngjae remained quiet. He still hadn't told any of his friends about Jaebeom's identity, and quite frankly, he was not sure whether he should or not.

It was Jaebeom's call, too. It was his secret.

"I just... overreacted about something."

"You? Oh, please, you are not that much of a drama queen. There is room for one drama queen in this group and we all know who takes the crown for that."

"Darling!"

As if on cue, all three heads turned around to be met with Jackson's manly silhouette accessorized with a tiara. He clearly had been drinking a little too much, but it kept his guests entertained and the atmosphere hilarious, so there was no harm done.

"You missed me opening presents, darling!" he said cheekily to Mark, cuddling at his chest and batting his eyelashes.

"I know you enjoyed it regardless, babe."

"Jackson put on a straight face all of a sudden.

"You're as sober as the sun. Let's get you all liquored up."

"We have a small issue - "

"Let's get you enough drinks so that even if it's my birthday, _you_ can lick some frosting off of me later, huh?"

Jinyoung and Youngjae giggled, knowing Mark wasn't that much of a sucker for cheesy gestures in public. But the laughter ceased when they noticed his serious figure blushing and following Jackson away in the crowd, whispering to them beforehand "See you guys later".

"At least someone's gonna have guaranteed fun," Jinyoung commented.

"Don't be so cranky, we're having fun too. It's a great party!"

" _You_ will have your fun for sure."

Youngjae didn't have to ask what he meant; only mere moments later, Yugyeom tapped him on the shoulder and asked if he wanted to grab a drink with him, thus leaving Jinyoung alone and available to go stir crazy at the open bar.

His enthusiasm rapidly declined once he saw Jaebeom less than a meter away from him.

"Here to overdrink?" he asked, pretending to engage into some polite small talk.

"Just to drink. No need to overdo anything tonight. Not on my part, at least."

"I'm surprised that you didn't make a scene yet."

"About what?"

"Yugyeom. The guy Youngjae went out with."

Without further ado, Jaebeom's eyes began searching through the sea of people and indeed they noticed Yugyeom, the tall dancer, and Youngjae chatting and laughing in a corner. His body began to burn and shake, and he reckoned he was having another jealousy crisis.

Nevertheless, he only clenched his fists in an attempt to calm down, which did work to a certain extent. There was no reason to act jealous after all.

Youngjae was not his to hold nor control.

"I am capable of being a good person, Jinyoung."

"Is that so? Since when?"

"Since Youngjae's vast interest in Defsoul."

"That makes no sense, what are you - "

"He _still_ hasn't told any of you? Wow, okay. I thought he did. Gotta give him some credit."

He extended a hand to meet Jinyoung's, a little smug smile appearing on his face.

"Defsoul. Pleased to meet you."

Jinyoung stared at him in disbelief, utterly speechless. Everything about that picture was wrong, and he refused to believe it.

"You're lying."

Jaebeom sighed, rolling his eyes.

_"It's become like a bad habit that now I can't be like everyone else / It's become something natural / Even though you are next to me / You are disappearing like smoke."_

"Oh... no. No! No, hell no!"

Jinyoung was completely in denial, though the voice he had just heard was by no chance a misunderstanding of any kind.

"Do you need me to sing another one of my songs or?"

"N-No. You - you are Defsoul?? You?? You're Def??"

"Yes, that would be me."

"But you - you and him, you're so - different - like entirely different people..."

"If you'll excuse me, I have something to do."

Jaebeom left the bar and searched for Youngjae but instead, he was greeted with the image of Jackson nearly suffocating Mark with his mouth, hands roaming at the hem of his already loosen shirt. Looking away in displeasure, he continued pushing through strangers.

Eventually he did find Youngjae.

Holding Yugyeom's hand.

He approached them, blood irrationally boiling in his veins.

"Thank you, Youngjae. And I - I do understand. I promise. Don't worry," he heard the younger shout close to Youngjae's ear.

Perhaps Jaebeom was terrible with anger management, but he sure did his absolute best in not punching Yugyeom right then and there, and it was something to be proud of. Self-control came very difficult for Jaebeom.

 _Youngjae is not yours. Stop it,_ was the never ending mantra in his mind.

He had to stop thinking about him, and about all of the things he wanted to do with, to and for him.

He bit his lower lip as he grabbed another drink, filling the cup this time.

"Here you are," Youngjae took him by surprise.

"Where I've been so far, yes."

"How are you doing?"

"Spectacular. Just like you, it seems. Shouldn't you head back there to Yugyeommie?"

"What?"

"You did say that you had a crush on him and that you could've liked him a lot, so... why don't you go ahead? Don't miss your chance."

"I also said why I ditched this option."

"Because you're being brainwashed by Defsoul, yeah. Don't make this about me."

"What the fuck are you talking about, you're literally the same person!"

"I told you, Youngjae, this is a bad idea. If you wanted to be nice and try to get to know me, let's call this bullshit off right now because I don't have the fucking patience to deal - "

"Wait a minute. Are you... jealous?"

"I don't get jealous over stuff. In order for me to get jealous, I'd have to... feel anything other than physical attraction. Which we already established that I... don't."

Youngjae felt the cocktails piling up in his bloodstream and going into effect. Jaebeom's intellectual and jealous talk were a blast, more than ever, and all of a sudden, he got sick and tired of all the complications, the crappy excuses, and all the shit that Jaebeom was claiming about himself to keep his sanity, or what was left of it, intact.

"You said you can... make me feel like a prince. Like a king," Youngjae muttered, almost shocked at what he was about to blurt out.

Jaebeom frowned, putting his glass down. He had his attention now.

"I did."

Youngjae took a deep breath, barely keeping himself in one piece.

"Then... make me feel like one. Please."

"What - Youngjae, you're - you're drunk."

"I'm no - okay, a bit. Little, tiny bit. But I - I know the basics, I know - "

"I can't do that to you."

"Sure you can. It can't be that hard. The... thing itself, not your thing... I mean I don't know how your thing... okay, never mind, the point is you can."

"Let me rephrase it: I don't want to do that to you. You've been drinking, you're not thinking clearly."

"Just to be clear... you're saying you... _don't_ want to fuck me?"

Never before had Jaebeom felt so shocked and tempted at the same time. For reasons that were buried deep inside of him, he found cuss words ridiculously hot when pronounced from Youngjae's sweet and innocent lips.

Lips he'd very much like to attack with his own.

He gulped, shaking his head. He had to be the bigger person in this scenario. He knew better than to take advantage of a drunken person.

"While that's not what I'm saying - "

"Then why - "

"How drunk are you right now? Do I have to spell every word out to you?"

"Not really... not so drunk, no. I had only five cocktails. And some soju. And a beer."

Jaebeom licked his lips with desperation.

"You're drunk, alright. You want to do this because your subconscious hasn't moved on from the fact that I'm Defsoul and it's a big deal to you. It's not about me, Jaebeom."

"Yes, it is! It fucking is!"

"No, it isn't, Youngjae! You think this didn't happen to me before?! You think no one ever wanted to sleep with me because of my reputation?! Stand in the long line!"

Youngjae was bewildered.

"You have this - this image of Defsoul in your head, this ideal fantasy or whatever the fuck it is and you want it fulfilled by the guy standing in front of you but... after everything I've told you... this won't mean anything emotional to me, Youngjae, no matter how much and how badly I want it to mean... and it will ruin you."

"Well... you know what, that's fine by me. I just want to see why all the girls... and some guys too... want to sleep with you. Why do they assume you're so amazing in bed - "

Jaebeom got closer to him until his hot breath was on his face.

"Because I am," he murmured, sending icy shivers down Youngjae's spine. "But you will hate me for doing this and then leaving you with nothing else."

"Isn't the memory of mind-blowing sex better than any other memory? And why do you worry so much about me? Why can't you just... give me this one thing, this one moment?"

"Because! Because... for the love of God, Youngjae, get it into your brilliant brain already: you are the first person I have ever met who has the potential to break my stupid fucking heart and I hate that! I fucking hate with everything that I got! I hate how you live in my fucking head, how I can't sleep at night thinking that I might hurt you constantly, and how I... how I want you. How I need you. All of you."

"M-Me?"

Jaebeom nodded, painfully aware that he had spilled his guts at last, and there was nothing he could do to retract any of it.

He had just admitted to having feelings for Youngjae, despite everything he had just preached, and he was on the thin edges of sanity.

"So please. I am begging you, Youngjae. _Me_ , _I_ am begging _you_. Don't ask for this because I might as well just do it and it will ruin us both. And it's because I think you should be treated fairly that I don't - I don't want to have you this way. I know I'm no good, and I refuse to hurt you. If there was another way for me to have you, I'd - I'd take it. Trust me."

"Time for the cake!"

Mark's high pitched and a little too enthusiastic tone distracted Youngjae and Jaebeom from their heated discussion. They both went to get a piece of cake, avoiding each other's eyes and not saying a word to each other.

Youngjae, however, did not let go of his thoughts and desires, and still had Lim Jaebeom lingering at the top of his head, without a chance of escape.


	20. Chapter 20

_"Jaebeom, listen to me. I'm hardly an expert in these kind of situations, you know that just as well as I do, but it's pretty clear to anyone with eyes that you were... you know... jealous."_

"People get jealous when there's something to lose, something worth losing, worth loving or caring for! And I for one got nothing to lose! I got nothing to fear, I - I never had enough to lose."

_"Then why the hell did you say you felt like beating the shit out of that guy he was with?"_

"They were fuckin'... holding hands. It was an impulse. That's what I act based on. He's a... let's call him a friend of Youngjae's, in the absence of a better or more flattering word."

_"A friend? Oh, Jay... oh, silly, insecure Jay... it's a lame shield to put out there for what is really going on."_

"Look who became an expert on how I feel after all."

_"Not really, no. But I do know my best friend. And I can tell that my best friend is feeling something so strong and powerful that it's scaring the crap out of him. And hey, it's a great thing! It really is!"_

"Bam. We're talking about the one and only person in my whole twisted life until now that can, and inevitably will, shatter me to pieces and ruin me. And vice versa. This is anything but great."

_"Do you not hear yourself talking about him?? You're insane!"_

"Bambam - "

_"But how can he break you? I'm not following?"_

Jaebeom sighed, barely keeping himself from imploding over the phone.

"If I want to be around Youngjae too much, if I want to have him, to be with him and to know him safe... it will kill me. Get it now? I can't - I can't possibly care this much for someone, I'm not designed to love or to be loved and all that shit. I can't... I really don't think that I can. Who the fuck can, anyway? Who can possibly... care so much that they feel like they're gonna break at the sight of a single scratch on the other person?"

_"You can try and find that out on your own."_

"It's too much of a risk. He said he wants me to sleep with him, drunkenly of course, but... this feels like a loaded gun at my temple, Bambam. It's a bullet I am not willing to trigger."

Jaebeom bid his goodbye to Bambam, sighing loudly as he placed the phone on the coffee table.

Thoughts were running crazily inside his mind, heart racing as fast as a race car. He couldn't stop any of it. It was the most extreme and heartfelt moment of his entire life, he felt, and to make it even worse, unexpectedly, all of those images with Youngjae and that young dancer Yugyeom came rushing back, devouring and tormenting him.

He went straight into the shower, hoping to wash off the memory of Jackson's birthday party.


	21. Chapter 21

At this point, Youngjae was quite sure that it was more than a terrible idea to seek Jaebeom on his own in the middle of a Sunday with a vaguely noticeable hangover at the top of his head, but he wanted to at least try to resolve things.

In the end, Youngjae and Jaebeom were just messy, unfinished and tricky business.

And if Youngjae had been stupid enough to ask for sex from him, straight to his face no less, he could at least explain his side of the story and hope to remain, at the very least, colleagues with Jaebeom. He couldn't expect anything else from him, nor could he expect him to change out of the blue. He didn't want him to change his habits for Youngjae's sake.

The boy seemed already stuck onto the idea that whatever Youngjae could want from him was directly proportional or derived to and from his passion for Def, and not Lim Jaebeom, the reserved man who shielded himself from the hurt and pain that the world brought to him time and time again.

A buzzing noise was heard from the back pocket of Youngjae's jeans and the boy took out the phone with shivering hands. An unknown number popped up on the screen and thus a giant hole appeared in his throat and stomach.

He had an eerie feeling that he simply _knew_ who it was.

"Hello?"

_"Youngjae?"_

The named one froze on the spot, the hole in his body enlarging itself upon the recognition of the husky, puzzled voice on the phone.

"Jaebeom, are you - are you okay? You sound a bit off."

_"No. I'm not okay. I'm never okay. But that's not something you should worry about."_

Youngjae puffed mockingly.

"O-kay, but I do. What happened? How did you get my number even?"

_"I asked Jackson not long ago. Uh... nothing happened. Nothing serious, anyway."_

Youngjae began wondering if he wasn't by any chance drunk.

"Then... what's up?"

_"Remember when we first met and you said you are truly a nice person? And my skeptical ass didn't want to believe it?"_

"Yes...?"

_"You are not a nice person. Just so you know. Because a truly nice person would be honest and real about what they really want instead of flat out asking to be fucked in the middle of a birthday party."_

Youngjae gulped harshly, blood seemingly freezing in his veins. Jaebeom's tone was cold and dominant, yet somehow passionate enough to make him feel guilty and at fault. Which he was, to a certain extent.

And Jaebeom was right. He hadn't been clear about his wishes.

Wishes that Jaebeom was capable of reading like an open book.

"I - I don't know what to say. But I do know... I know that I don't want to do this over the phone," he cooed, trying to keep himself in one piece.

_"Come to my place then."_

"Why - "

_"That is... provided you want to be honest with me. Not Defsoul."_

Thankfully Jaebeom couldn't see Youngjae roll his eyes.

"I don't have anything to share with Defsoul except love for music! Get it into your thick, stubborn head once and for all!"

_"Okay. So... what do you have to share with Lim Jaebeom then?"_

"If he wants... pretty much everything that I have."

There was a long pause during which Youngjae heard him struggle to breathe. There were too many emotions circulating in Youngjae's brain to try and define them or to even address them, so he simply succumbed to them all, letting them flow freely.

He waited an answer, any answer from a dazzled Jaebeom.

"You said you would take a chance to be with me if you could," he reminded Jaebeom. "I am offering you a chance right now. Something real and good."

_"Keep in mind what I told you, Youngjae. I - I can't love."_

"Drama queen. My skeptical ass refuses to believe it."

Jaebeom chuckled, which was a sign as good as any other.

_"Feel like making a little deal with me?"_

"With the devil's right hand? Sure."

_"You show me what relationships, love, all of that is, hoping to win me over... and I will treat you like the most spoiled king to ever rule."_

Youngjae gulped. He had been totally unprepared for that kind of answer.

His whole body seemed too sensitive to Jaebeom's words, and it was useless to attempt to describe what his voice register did to him.

"But you said you can only make me feel like one, not... treat me like one."

_"I can try to treat you like one. In a way that will make any other Disney royalty feel obsolete and worthless."_

"Why - why are you changing your mind about us?"

_"If you're doubting me... I can't blame you. But I do want to give this a try."_

"I don't want to get into something that has a dead end."

_"You kept talking and hanging out with me even after I told you that I only sleep with people, and that I'm not boyfriend material. You forgave me after the whole Defsoul situation. You wanna be around me just as much as I wanna be around you. Maybe even more. So let's cut the crap."_

"You should know that, as a nice person, if I get involved in something, I'm there one hundred percent."

_"Good. Loyalty is one of the things which I appreciate the most. And I... I wanna be loyal to you as well. More so because I... I cannot shake you off for the life of me. I tried, I failed miserably... so I need to figure this out. I need to go down this road."_

Youngjae never felt so stunned and mesmerized by anyone. He was stuck in Jaebeom's charm filled web, and he enjoyed it.

"Okay. Let's figure it out."

_"Come to my place."_

"Oh, you still want me to come?"

A short pause.

Youngjae didn't see Jaebeom's smirk on the other line, head filed with hot and bothering thoughts.

_"Yes. I want you to come."_

"Alright then."

_"I'll text you my address."_

"Wait, wait, what am I coming over for, exactly?"

_"To talk. We made a deal, didn't we?"_

Shortly after, Youngjae hung up, heart in his throat, entire body aching and itching with anticipation. It felt surreal, dangerously incredible even.

He was actually on his way to Lim Jaebeom's house to prove that he was... what, boyfriend material? Perhaps a fatal mistake even before it started, but he didn't know any better, truth be told.

He had no clue whatsoever about just what the hell was Jaebeom about to do or say to him.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smuuuut, so if you're in any way uncomfortable with anything described here, please reconsider reading this chapter!

Heart in his throat, Youngjae knocked on the apartment door number six. He was all kinds of nervous, not to mention the degree to which his palms were sweating was outrageous. Not to say he had a bad feeling about the situation he put himself in, but he had no idea as to what was to be expected.

In general terms, Jaebeom was an unpredictable man. He had sent Youngjae an awful lot of mixed signals in the half years since they've known each other, so it came as a defense mechanism to wonder about the outcome of that particular meeting.

The door finally opened, leaving Youngjae with an enormous hole in his stomach and a dropped jaw, though he did his best at concealing it.

Jaebeom was less than five inches away from him, a black tank top and shorts being the only items of clothing which covered him. His skin was had a fair complexion, his arms toned and muscly and, while it may have seemed like a mundane dress code, the image made Youngjae experience his very first serious boner.

"Hi," Jaebeom welcomed him. "Come on in."

"Thanks."

His throat was severely dehydrated, so he coughed to cover up the symptoms of his arousal though he was perfectly aware that it made zero sense, and it his boner was uncomfortable and of no help whatsoever. 

He tried focusing on the nice furniture around instead, the spacious place he was in, noticing what an incredibly neat guy Jaebeom was.

"Your place looks great," Youngjae remarked.

"Thanks. It could've been cleaner but my friend Bambam was here earlier today and, well, he's an ass sometimes."

" _Cleaner?_ Are you kidding me? The place is _sparkling_."

The fact that they were striking up a conversation about apartment cleaning was defusing the tension a little bit, but Youngjae was still feeling parched.

In all the possible ways.

"Can I, uh - can I have a glass of water?"

"Sure, let's go in the kitchen."

While Youngjae was struggling to fight his thoughts and apparent desires, Jaebeom had one thing clear on his mind.

The only one he had in the past six months, and that was Youngjae himself.

He found it ever so pleasing to simply be around him, just to analyze his reactions and how he tried to suppress his emotions. He wanted, more than anything, to talk to him, to unveil him and above it all, to make sure he knows that, if Lim Jaebeom wanted someone, loyalty was the ultimate goal he aimed towards.

He might've sucked at romance, but he sure as hell knew how to make feel someone live in heaven, whether verbally or physically.

Jaebeom offered Youngjae a big glass of water, then he poured himself a glass of wine.

"To be perfectly honest, I was... let's say worried, in the lack of a more appropriate word... that you'd back down," Jaebeom said.

"Why?"

"Because of my fucked up way of handling things. And how it affected you."

"You should give me some more credit. If I start something, I finish it."

"This'll come in handy later on."

He smirked, though Youngjae did not catch the reference at first. He emptied his glass, preparing another one, when his companion asked to have the same. Surprised, Jaebeom obeyed and clinked the two glasses together as they both chugged the alcohol, feeling it burn their insides.

"I'm still not totally clear on what it is that I'm doing here," Youngjae said, face red from the wine.

"You wanted to feel like a king, didn't you? That's what I am here for."

"Then I suppose my part is to... what? Give you an insight on the cheesy, gooey stuff."

"That was the deal."

"So this will be what, a contract? A written agreement? You fuck me and I bring you candy and flowers?"

Jaebeom laughed at how utterly adorable Youngjae was. Another thing he failed to believe he would ever feel so smitten with.

"No, of course not, no. We... hang out, see how this goes. I guess."

"Seems fair."

"Oh, and to make it clear and more onto fair play, you can also take charge and fuck me if you want to."

Caught off guard, Youngjae's mouth remained agape. He didn't know how to break it to him that he was a stranger to the world of carnal pleasure, so he shut up.

"That's... good to know," he gulped.

"You do seem more of a bottom to me, but I guess anyone can be proven wrong, can't they?"

"Mhm."

"I think, with the right predicament, you could be a power top. If that's what you want, of course."

"I - "

Jaebeom raised a brow, gesture which brought Youngjae's attention back to his damned erection.

"Youngjae. Look at me."

He did.

"Have you been... intimate with someone before?"

"I haven't had a real relationship so far, so I haven't had the chance to uh... do... that. I mean, I had chances... but I didn't want them to be just a forgettable quickie in a club's bathroom. So uh... no. Not... exactly."

"Not at fucking all is more like it."

Taken aback by the confession, Jaebeom ran his hands through his hair with immense frustration.

"Then you expect me to do this? Me, out of everyone? How can you expect me, out of all the decent guys out there, to do this to you?"

"I'm not... expecting it... per se... that would mean I'm pressuring you... I was kinda more... hoping for it."

"Just hoping - Youngjae! This is something serious! You shouldn't do this with someone - you should do this with someone you trust and feel safe with, someone who truly cares about you - "

"I trust you."

"- and with someone whom you have real feeling for. Not just some musical, dark attraction."

"Unlike you, I also use my upper head, so what the hell gives you the right to judge whether I have feelings or not?"

"You might also use your upper head, I'll give you that, but do you think I didn't notice your pants on the verge of exploding from the second you set foot in my apartment?

Youngjae blushed.

"Say whatever you want to make yourself feel better about all of this, but you also use that head in between your legs. Don't talk bullshit."

"Fine. But then don't talk bullshit about you not giving a damn about me because you do."

Jaebeom was the one left wordless this time.

"Just say that you want this as much as I do, maybe even more honestly," Youngjae pushed. "You're the one who started this whole thing with your 'oh, I never wanted to fuck anyone more' in the first place! Why is it so difficult for you to admit that - "

"Because I never had anything like this before, Youngjae! I never felt this way about anyone, ever, and it's - it's fucking me up! All of my instincts are yelling at me to do things the way that I know but that's not the way it should be with you.

"Why not?"

"You're not one night stand material. You're long-term stuff."

Youngjae had no idea what to respond, so he just stared at Jaebeom's chest, rising up and down under the cohesive force of his anger and inner turmoil.

Jaebeom, on the other hand, licked his lower lip, primal instincts bursting out and eyes hungrily devouring Youngjae.

"I swear that it takes a whole lot of self-control right now to not lose my mind and just... fuck you senseless."

"You... can."

"Oh, I know. But today is not the day for that."

He took Youngjae's hand in his, guiding him to the bedroom. It was a warm feeling that Jaebeom had about him, comparable to none other, which made him much like the moth drawn to the flame, over and over again.

He breathed in and out a few times, focusing strictly on Youngjae's benefit. He had never been anyone's first, so he reckoned he had to be entirely different than his usual rough self.

He could tell Youngjae was already shaking with excitement and anticipation, reason why he gently grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled him in for a wet, hot kiss that both dived deeply into. Their tongues met in a bold, erotic dance, anxious as them. Youngjae couldn't help but moan into the kiss, hands roaming around Jaebeom's waist aimlessly.

The intense make-out session paused only so Youngjae could catch his breath.

"Take off your clothes," Jaebeom said huskily.

Youngjae listened to the command, stripping the clothes off of him, shy however as he stood there only in his boxers. He saw Jaebeom open one of the drawers for something, then returned with a bottle of what he figured out to be lube. 

Before he spread it on his fingers, Jaebeom got on his knees, hot breath tickling Youngjae's thighs and awakening his deepest sensations, carefully dragging down the latter's boxers with his teeth. Youngjae moaned softly when his hard-on was revealed at last, wondering fleetingly what kind of spell was he under to make him feel that way when he was barely touched.

"It will hurt a bit at first, but it's not my intention, Youngjae. Please know that."

"I do know that. Don't worry."

"If you're in any... major pain, if you feel something is off or if you don't like it, you tell me right away. You tell me to stop and you push me away. Use the word 'red' if it hurts badly. It's the safe word I always have set in place, just in case."

"Okay."

"I'm serious."

"Use 'red' for pain, I got it. I memorized much more complex stuff."

"And push me away. Say it."

"And what if I don't wanna push you away?"

The question trapped Jaebeom. He had no clue how to respond. He hadn't been faced with the situation of having such a responsive partner or hearing such things.

"Spread your legs for me, Youngjae."

He did as he was told, and with fear crippling him from inside his chest, Jaebeom stroked him, testing the waters. Youngjae moaned, head going back on the sheets of the bed. It was clear he hadn't been touched in such a sensual way before, so Jaebeom took his time.

His hand motions were slow, but they offered Youngjae immense pleasure. Soon, Jaebeom added his mouth into the game and teasingly licked his length up and down a few times, earning more moans from Youngjae, whose hands were now desperately clinging onto the sheets. Jaebeom felt a bit more encouraged and slowly sucked him off, tongue circling around the tip and then the rest of his dick, lathering it with saliva. 

Feeling excited himself, Jaebeom pulled the tank top over his head, revealing a nicely toned chest and abdomen to Youngjae. He then removed the rest of his clothes, erection sprung free from his boxers.

Positioning himself at his entrance and hands supporting his weight on top of him, Jaebeom gazed deeply into Youngjae's eyes, more scared and aroused alike than he ever recalled being.

"Can you promise me you won't hate me after this?" he asked.

"What? Why would I?"

"Because I... couldn't resist. Because... despite what I promised myself and your friends... I couldn't stay away from you."

"I won't hate you, Jaebeom. Not now, and probably not ever. I guess we both messed up in keeping our distance from each other."

Jaebeom could barely breathe. All of a sudden, it was not just about great sex. It was not just physical attraction. It was so, so much more, and it felt accordingly. 

He knew in that split second that if the boy beneath him was to ever suffer because of him, in any way, he could not survive the idea of ruining him.

Slightly assured, Jaebeom flashed him a smile before thrusting for the first time inside of him, moaning at how incredible it felt. He paced himself, dragging his dick out of him slowly, then just as slowly pushing himself back inside, monitoring Youngjae's reaction with every thrust. 

Youngjae threw his head backwards, hands desperately grabbing the sheets, but instead of that, Jaebeom linked his fingers with his as he jerked his hips forward, still slowly but powerful enough for the boy to feel him just right.

It felt as if he needed more and more closeness with Youngjae, though, in all fairness, he already had more than he could have asked for.

"Ohhh f-fuck - fuck - Jaeb-beom - oh, fuck - "

His alternate moans were music to Jaebeom's ears, who fought his every impulse to go any faster. He pushed himself deeper into him instead, not even considering how he felt: his sole focus was Youngjae and making him feel on cloud nine.

"Youngjae - "

"Hm?"

"You're - you're so fucking gorgeous. So gorgeous - "

Words faded into the background. Jaebeom shocked himself with that declaration, but he couldn't help himself. He found Youngjae right from the very first moment he had laid his eyes on him, but he could never bring himself to be that sincere until just then.

Swept off of his feet, Youngjae grunted and crossed his arms around Jaebeom's neck, who felt comfortable with such skin contact for the very first time. Every movement was so intense that he began to shake from the hotness boiling in his body. 

Jaebeom let some unclear cuss words escape his lips as he slowed the pace, though the jerking movement of his hips got deeper. He was barely moving now; he was still inside of him, forehead linked with Youngjae's.

"Are you hurting?" he whispered.

"No. Well... a little, maybe, but it was to be expected."

"Do you hate me?"

"You didn't give me any reason to, so I have to say no."

"Thank you."

"Not exactly what I was thinking I'd hear after sex, but it works for me."

Jaebeom smiled, finally pulling out of him and rolling over to the left side of the bed.

He had realized only then that he never made love to anyone before. In all of the years he slept with people, he always somehow just fucked according to his own desires and needs and respectively to his partners', but it was never anything slow or loving.

But now, for Youngjae and with him, he proved himself to be capable of being a caring, gentle human being.

A human being who could die of a heartbreak should anything was to happen with Choi Youngjae.


	23. Chapter 23

Getting acquainted with Jaebeom's true self was something of a wild adventure for Youngjae.

Jaebeom's natural behavior was quite the opposite of what Youngjae had pictured before being more intimate with him. He was, indeed, quiet and observant a lot of the time, though he had many unexpressed feelings inside and a burning passion for something more that Youngjae was there to support and listen to, though frankly it was no picnic for him.

Youngjae himself had many insecurities and fears, but as of lately, he was simply too focused on understanding Jaebeom and getting to know him instead of paying attention to his own fears. 

Unfortunately for him, his partner was a pro at reading people, and he could not let that slide past him.

"You know, when you told me I can turn to you for anything, I thought it worked both ways," Jaebeom said out of nowhere one late evening as they were writing an essay for their history course.

"It does. What do you mean?"

Jaebeom shifted his heavy glare down Youngjae's face, remarking his hesitant expression in a heartbeat, seconds later being met with flushed cheeks and an avoidant gaze.

"Something's bothering you. I can see it does. I'm not that bad that you can't talk openly to me, am I?"

"No, of course not. You're the psychology expert here. I just - "

"Then what is it?"

Youngjae huffed, unsure of himself.

"This... us, I mean... this has been going on for only a few weeks and... it's the first actual relationship we both had, and especially to you, this is something... that shouldn't be rushed. So I don't wanna bring my childish and stupid insecurities into the equation before even having the chance to - what?"

He stopped, seeing Jaebeom's chuckle.

"What's so amusing about what I said?"

"You're worried that if you open up to me, it will get things to speed up between us and I'll get scared and I'll refuse to deal with emotions."

Youngjae stared at him in dismay.

"Am I wrong?" Jaebeom asked.

"Uh... no. No, you're not."

"Based on what I told you about me so far, do you really think you can beat me into the field of being twisted? Doubtful."

Jaebeom pushed away his papers and his book, carefully observing Youngjae's expressions and patiently waited for him to talk.

It was curious to him how, when it came to Youngjae, he seemed to have all the time in the world, all the resources available for him, how he was the most patient and caring person in the world.

He couldn't say he disliked it though.

"Okay. I guess it's only fair, since you opened up - "

Youngjae huffed, nervously looking at Jaebeom as he tried to collect his thoughts and order them strategically into logical sentences.

"I just have some... how do I put this nicely... fears? Insecurities? Yeah, better. Insecurities. I am... very insecure about myself and I don't really... like myself a lot of the time."

Jaebeom's face was emptied of any expression as he listened to the boy.

"So... image issues," he concluded.

"Yeah."

"Body dysmorphia?"

"Yes."

"Can you elaborate? What exactly do you think is not okay?"

Jaebeom was barely refraining himself from pointing out what an incredible person Youngjae was.

"I never thought of myself as a handsome guy," Youngjae said without hesitation. "Maybe cute and nice, but never a... handsome or manly guy. You know the type. Like Jackson. Jackson has his quirks and whatnot but he's a manly, strong guy. I was never like that. I've got the brains, sure, but only because I'm a bookworm. I don't have any special talents, I don't do sports and I'm not athletic like Jackson or Mark or Jinyoung... I'm just a person."

Jaebeom was holding his index over his lips as he thoroughly listened to the speech. 

He felt almost insulted at the idea that Youngjae could view himself like that.

How could he fail to see the kind of wonderful person he was?

There were so many incredible things to be said about him, and Jaebeom knew he could spend a whole night - and more - listing those things, repeating them over and over until the younger came to believe them himself.

Instead, he had a better idea to stimulate his ego. One that he reckoned Youngjae would not see coming.

"I see," he said, pulling off an unimpressed face. "But why would you think that you're not handsome? You are."

Since he had no clue where Jaebeom was headed with all of those straightforward questions, Youngjae huffed and answered them as if it was a test he thoroughly prepared for.

"I don't know, it's just... my appearance overall. I have a common face. My... skinny legs also. My body outline is overall kind of... strange, I - I don't know..."

Without further ado, Jaebeom stood up and shot Youngjae a powerful glare, the kind that made the latter shiver. Youngjae stood up as well as if on command. Their bond reached a point where Youngjae could just tell what Jaebeom wanted just with a single look.

And so he confined to his needs.

Jaebeom strut towards Youngjae, closing the space between them until it was nonexistent. He grazed Youngjae's cheeks with a swift movement, smirking as he noticed the red color of his skin.

"You are much more handsome than you can imagine," he cooed. "You got me wrapped around your finger."

"I - I don't know that's - "

"Possible? _Please_."

He proceeded to kiss Youngjae, slowly and deeply, tongue darting between the walls of his mouth, sweetly treating every spot he could find available. When he felt out of breath, he began kissing his flushed cheeks, nose, forehead, going down his jawline and neck, where he spent a good amount of time nibbling and sucking several spots, careful as to not leave too obvious marks.

Hearing Youngjae's soft moans was the biggest turn on for Jaebeom, and this only encouraged him to step away and rip off the buttons of the shirt he had been wearing the whole afternoon, taking his partner by surprise.

With bodies gradually heating up, the two crashed on the floor, Jaebeom on top of Youngjae, kissing his chest and his abdomen, lips tasting the intoxicating flavor of the skin. Although Jaebeom was highly bothered by his growing erection, he managed to focus solely on the young man in front of him. 

Before his hands could remove the pants standing in the way of both their pleasure, Jaebeom stared differently at Youngjae, like he was the most important thing to ever matter.

"I hate to be the one who disappoints you, Youngjae - though in this case I will gladly do it - but you are simply too handsome and irresistible," he whispered in that husky voice of his.

"I - what - "he writhed, unsure of what to say.

"You think - "

He helped him out of his pants, trying to keep the line of his thoughts in one piece.

"- that I'd mess around with you - "

His hands gripped the hem of the boxers, satisfied to see the hardened dick inside of the fabric.

"- if you were anything _but_ ordinary?"

He finally removed all of his clothes, gazing with an incomparable admiration at the wonderful naked body beneath him.

Youngjae gulped, feeling overwhelmed and exposed, awfully turned on.

"You are everything that anyone should aspire to want to be, and to want to have," Jaebeom finished, trembling with anticipation himself. "Too bad no one else can have you.

"But I'm just - "

"No. No, you're not 'just' or 'simply'. You are... everything. You're all that matters. You're everything, Youngjae. You got me fucked up in the best possible way. You control me in ways that are so sweet and tender that just... consume me. You managed to do it."

"No, I didn't want to - "

"In the best way, Youngjae! Because all that I can do... all I can do is want to be with you, and think about you and... if you smile, I feel like nothing else is important or relevant and I couldn't care less about anything else. A day without you is just no good. And you make me... _feel_."

Youngjae wanted to smile, but instead he let a powerful moan escape his lips as Jaebeom's mouth and hand were wrapped around his hard-on, motions pleasuring Youngjae in ways he never experienced in his entire life.

With all the licking and the stroking going on, his body became ridiculously responsive to Jaebeom, hips jerking forward for more contact, however little, but Jaebeom knew better than to give in to those impulse decisions.

He stopped, secretly proud of himself as he noticed Youngjae's disappointed reaction, but went on to remove his own clothes in order to serve the main course at last.

When Jaebeom made the first thrust, it took all of his self-control and care in the world to not lose his senses and go wild. He was still learning, and he wanted to feel every motion in ways he never allowed himself to with anyone before. He wanted to treat Youngjae like the prince he was at heart, and his habits were of no such definition, so he ensured that he put in the worthy effort in making each of his thrusts deep, yet passionate. No rushed moves, no degrading words and no pain. 

It was only then that Jaebeom learned how to make love, how to feel the things that he was doing, the things that he was living, and how to respond to what probably _felt_ like love as well.


	24. Chapter 24

With their essays still due, Jaebeom stayed up late to finish his and complete Youngjae's, as the boy was peacefully sleeping in his bedroom after their heated moment mere hours ago. 

In the barely lit room and sleep avoiding him once again, Jaebeom wrote continuously, focused completely on the essays, inspiring himself from the notes and the book. The only distraction turned out to be the buzzing of a phone nearby. More specifically, Youngjae's phone.

Unwilling to snoop around, Jaebeom simply checked the screen to make sure there was nothign serious and saw the last name he could've expected to pop up.

**_ From _ ** _ : Yugyeom _

**_ To _ ** _ : Me _

_ 01:40 _

_ Youngjae, can you call me if you’re awake? I really need to talk _

**_ From: _ ** _ Yugyeom _

**_ To: _ ** _ Me _

_ 01:41 _

_ I could really need you now _

Jaebeom put the phone on the desk with a loud thump.

He clenched his fists, but it was of no use this time. He was horribly mad for reasons he could not clarify to himself, let alone to anyone else. But it became crystal clear to him that he had serious jealousy issues that he could not fix by just flexing a few muscles.

He had to take care of the problem in the only way he knew how to. The only way he knew for a fact would work.

The impulsive, dark Lim Jaebeom style.


	25. Chapter 25

The phone was ringing and buzzing constantly and, by the fourth attempt, Youngjae finally got out of bed, cranky, and checked the screen.

"H-hello?" his hoarse voice asked.

_"Finally! What the hell are you doing, why weren't you picking up before??"_

"I was... sleeping? You know, that thing you do at... two in the morning. It's two o'clock in the morning, Mark!"

_"On a Friday! We always hang out around this time!"_

"I - that's why you called?"

_"Where the hell are you?"_

Youngjae hesitated, realizing he hadn't mentioned how serious things have been getting between him and Jaebeom. Plus, his friends were not exactly the biggest fans of his new boyfriend.

"I'm - I'm at... Jaebeom's place."

_"What?"_

"Just skip the part where you scold me like I'm a five year old eating ice cream before dinner and jump to where you tell me why the hell you're so desperately calling me in the middle of the night."

_"Youngjae, what's going on with you and Jaebeom? Is it serious?"_

"What's so urgent that couldn't wait until tomorrow? Which - it is, by the way! It's tomorrow. So what the hell is up?"

_"Fine! The thing is... Jackson called us, asking desperately if we knew anything about his young buddy."_

"Yugyeom?"

_"Right, the one you went out with. He said he was supposed to meet with him but he disappeared. He's not answering his phone, his texts... he's worried."_

Something clicked in Youngjae's mind, offering him potential answers as to why was, in fact, Mark calling so intensely.

"You think Jaebeom's at fault," he murmured, feeling anger building slowly inside of him.

_"I didn't even say that! Don't put words in my mouth!"_

"You didn't have to say it."

_"Why would you think it's about Jaebeom?"_

"You and Jinyoung were pretty clear about the fact that you don't like him around yourselves and myself implicitly."

_"Still, Youngjae, that's not what - "_

"You're my best friends. So I won't side with either one of you, but it's unfair to judge - "

Another call interrupted Youngjae's inconclusive stream of thoughts.

"Hold up, someone else is calling me. Hello?"

_"Y - Youngj-jae - "_

"Yugyeom, hey! What's going on? I was just talking about you with Mark, are you alright? Everyone's worried about you."

There was a pause, and Youngjae disliked the sensation it brought. He heard Yugyeom's ragged breaths, his coarse voice and even his rapid pulse.

Something was very, very wrong about that silence.

"Yugyeom. Yugie. Talk to me."

_"I did something - something b-bad, Youngj-jae. It's s-so bad! It's very - very b-bad!"_

Hands frozen on the phone, a gut feeling told Youngjae to look around the apartment. As unfortunately expected, there was no trace of Jaebeom. He began to draw dark conclusion over the phone, so Youngjae gulped, trying to remain rational for the part that was inevitably going to come next.

"Yugyeom, what did you do?"

_"P-Please come, I - I - I can't - I can't tell if h-he's awake o-or al-live - "_

Youngjae gulped again, the hole in his stomach enlarging itself to the point where it nearly swallowed all other organs.

" _Alive?_ Who is - Yugyeom! For fuck's sake, talk to me! Pull yourself together for a bit and talk to me! Who do you think is not awake?? Just say it!"

_"J-Jaeb-beom! It's Jaebeom! At - m-my place. Please - please come here."_

The younger was sobbing uncontrollably, seemingly suffocating at the same time, much like Youngjae did. 

He hung up without saying anything else and informed Mark, Jackson and Jinyoung about the situation and got dressed to leave. He didn't even think twice about anything else. 

He had no idea what was he about to face, but he knew for a fact that he was utterly unprepared for it.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions and vague descriptions of violence!! If you're uncomfortable, reconsider reading it or scroll past it!!

Luckily, Yugyeom's place was not farther away from university; Youngjae managed to get there in record time by running on the emptied and dark streets.

He couldn't feel the exhaustion creeping up behind him, wrapping him in a dizziness that numbed his entire body. He couldn't feel the ache from the excessive running. There was so much fear and adrenaline pumping in his veins that it kept him wide awake and unresponsive to anything else around him.

As he reached the apartments building, he began to search for number 33 with sheer desperation. He faintly noticed the few subtle, yet consistent drops of blood on the hallway leading to Yugyeom's apartment. His heart was pounding chaotically and his pulse increased significantly when he saw the door to apartment 33 open, a single foot being visible from where Youngjae was standing.

A hand reached to touch his shoulder and Youngjae shivered, turning much too fast. Mark and Jinyoung were there, and that should have provided him with a certain comfort, but this time, it didn't. 

He had never felt so terrified before.

"Is - is that -?" Jinyoung began, peeking into the apartment, head turning to be met with the image of Jackson running behind them, shocked and breathless.

"Yugyeom!!" Youngjae yelled.

There was no response. However, a high pitched scream was heard from inside, accompanied by squeals and stifled sobs. 

Head wrapped in fear, Youngjae plucked up the courage to enter the apartment, seeing Jaebeom's silhouette on the ground, struggling to breathe.

Everything around him seemed to have stopped moving. All the elements around him were blurry, all but Jaebeom. His otherwise gorgeous, had-to-be-sculpted-by-the-gods face was filled with blood and swollen, bruises forming on his temples and cheeks. His hands were just as beaten as his face. 

Jaebeom clearly had tried to fight back.

Youngjae collapsed right next to him, trying to lift him up. Jinyoung was the first one to jump to his aid, followed shortly after by Mark.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, YUGYEOM??" Jackson yelled, pulling the younger by his collar. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO??"

"I'm - I'm so, so sorry, Jackson! I really am, I swear!! I - I didn't think I - I didn't think it was - "

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU DIDN'T THINK!! Why would you do this?? This isn't even like you!! What the fuck happened??"

"Jaebeom," Youngjae cooed, searching his face for any sign of activity. "Come on, Jaebeom... you gotta get up. Come on. I know you can do this."

"He's breathing," Jinyoung said, "that's a good sign. But his - his hands..."

"Burn marks and self-harm cuts from long ago. Oh God, his hands are so... so bloody and swollen..."

Youngjae was on the verge of a severe breakdown, tears barely refraining themselves from falling down his cheeks.

How could that have happened? A few hours ago he was on cloud nine, high from the pleasure brought to him, and now he was watching Jaebeom's nearly half-disfigured face trying to make a sound to cling onto life.

"You'd better start talking, Yugyeom," Mark rushed him as well. _"Now!"_

"He c-came here... and asked me a bunch of questions... about me, about Youngjae, us... and if I - if I l-love him. I tried telling him n-no, t-that it was just a d-date or two... but he was... just so - so angry.. he wanted to leave so I - I asked him to leave... b-but then he - he said rude things... and I said he was clearly jealous, and f-for no g-good reason... and I - I don't know, I just - we - I mean, I punched him... he punched me back, but then... he did nothing... I saw red and I kept - "

Yugyeom began to fully sob, hands full of blood and his knuckles bruised as well, but that was far from being Youngjae's primary focus. 

All that he truly cared about was to see those two marvelous eyes open and to hear that husky voice call out.

"Was Jaebeom... abused? What's with those scars?" Jinyoung whispered.

Youngjae nodded, unable to speak. He wasn't sure that he could concentrate on just his anger. He was feeling more so disappointed, fearful and disgusted with how things went down, all of those at once.

"I... didn't knew that," Jinyoung said, head lowering a bit in some sort of shape, hand placed on Youngjae's shoulder.

"No one knew. He only told me."

Youngjae cleaned his face with his shirt, at the same time hugging him closely to him.

"Jaebeom, please get up... please say something... come on... open your eyes... you're stronger than this... please..."

He couldn't even look at Yugyeom, but fortunately, Jackson took him tot he hospital to get himself checked and cleaned. Jinyoung and Mark chose to stay with Youngjae, calling for an ambulanc, but even they felt defenseless and broken at that brutal scenery.

"Young-Youngj-jae - "

The voice was raspy and unclear, but it made Youngjae shiver with excitement. He looked down at Jaebeom in a heartbeat, seeing Jaebeom's eyes open, a smile trying to break through from the corners of his lips.

He smiled as well, relief washing over him like a wave.

"You're okay! You're alive, you're - you're okay!"

Jaebeom kept smiling and coughing at the same time. Youngjae asked Jinyoung to help him lift Jaebeom and both carried him on their shoulders while Mark was on the phone with the ambulance.

And right before he could say anything else, Jaebeom passed out cold.


	27. Chapter 27

Recovery under any form is no piece of cake, that was for sure.

However, thanks to Jackson's wide range of connections, Jaebeom's hospitalization ensured him the best care and it turned out to be more efficient than anyone had expected. 

Even with the tremendous workload expected at university, Youngjae took one or two hours off of his routine every day and dedicated them to visiting Jaebeom, bring him food and update him. One day he found Jackson in the hallway, arms crossed at his chest, seemingly staring through the window into Jaebeom's reserve.

"Hey," he said. "What's going on?"

"Yugyeom's in there talking to JB."

Youngjae swallowed harshly, the idea making him beyond uncomfortable and bringing back a painful knot. He urged to walk inside, but Jackson caught his wrist.

"Yugyeom just wanted to apologize and talk things through. It's okay. JB let him in."

Wanting to convince himself still, Youngjae checked the status of said conversation and noticed Jaebeom placing a hand on Yugyeom's arm in a reassuring manner. He felt eased of some of the worries and confusion.

"I wouldn't have thought we'd be sitting in a hospital freaked out over Lim Jaebeom, to be honest," Jackson broke the ice.

"Yeah, you guys were pretty vocal about the hatred you have for him."

"Come on, it was never like that, it was never about hating him! No one said that. We thought he was a bad influence on you for a while. Him being all weird and mysterious... and you being so kind and gentle... well... you're opposites. And contrary to popular belief, opposites don't do so well together. But since you came around and changed your mind... so did we."

"For what it's worth, if last year you would've told me the same thing, I would've had a copious laugh about it."

Both smiled, still witnessing the redemption scene.

Everyone believed for quite a while that Jaebeom was nothing more but a reckless man blessed with stunning looks and was judged accordingly. They too judged the book by its cover when in reality, Jaebeom managed to change everything the four friends thought of him.

And it worked in reverse, too: Jaebeom got to experience first hand love, care, fear of actually losing people, and it terrified him unspeakably much, yet he finally felt like a real person, an actual human being integrated into society.

"Youngjae," a tiny, scared voice greeted him.

"Hi."

He wasn't sure if or when he should stop addressing Yugyeom so coldly and distantly, but he couldn't behave otherwise just yet. He needed a bit of extra time to have a good view on Yugyeom again.

"I really am so, so incredibly sorry, Youngjae. I - I don't know what got into me that night... I saw red, and I - I know I shouldn't have said or done anything... I'm so sorry."

"Jaebeom's fine now, so... that's what matters."

"I never wanted to... hurt him. Despite what it looks like. Or you. I never wanted anyone to get hurt."

"It's over now. It's in the past."

"I see why you fell for him. He's greater than he allows himself to show to others. He was the bigger man in this case, at least."

"I take it he forgave you?"

"Yes. He didn't even fight back like I thought he would."

"He - wait, what?"

Yugyeom frowned.

"He didn't fight back that night. He let me... you know... punch him and shout at him... he didn't fight."

"Wait, but - but his hands... his hands were so swollen and beaten..."

"I don't know... his hands were like that when he got to me."

"Youngjae, hey."

The voice calling from inside the reserve was unmistakably eager, though coarse.

Abandoning the now dubious conversation, Youngjae entered the salon, smile intruding on his face as soon as he saw a plate of food in front of Jaebeom, who was now sitting straight up instead of lying down as he did in the past week.

"I see you're feeling better," Youngjae said, taking a seat on the side of the bed.

"Yep. I should be up and about by this weekend, according to the doctor."

Jaebeom smiled, finishing his soup, but Youngjae took notice of the bandages covering his knuckles right away. The painful knot in his stomach enlarged itself upon being met with that sight, and he gulped. That pain felt like an omnipresent part of his body by that time, given how concerned and stressed he had been lately.

"Can I ask... what happened to your hands? Yugyeom said they were in bad shape when you got to his place to - do something? I still don't know why you went there in the middle of the night."

Jaebeom sighed, putting the bowl away.

"You haven't heard the full story," he said.

"Just some mumbles from Yugyeom, but... no, not really."

"After we slept together, you fell asleep and I stayed up to finish our essays. And I saw two messages pop up on your phone from Yugyeom, saying that he wanted to talk to you, that he really needed you... and I - I snapped. That was my fault entirely. I got angry and I impulsively decided to go to his apartment. I remembered Mark talking about where he lived. I wanted to... beat the crap out of him.

"Oh - "

"It's stupid and crazy and horrible of me, I know, trust me. But I felt like punching Kim Yugyeom would make me feel way better. Halfway there I realized... I realized that I was fucking scared."

"Scared? Of what?"

"I would've had no problem beating him. He would've been the one to stay in the hospital for over a week, maybe more. But I thought of you, I thought of us and - and I thought of how you would react to this. I thought how selfish and borderline insane this was of me. And I thought how you'd see me as a monster after this whole thing, how I would ruin everything that we're building. That's why... instead, I knocked some dumpsters and punched some poles on the way. I only got to Yugyeom's place to ask him to stop writing cheesy things to you."

Youngjae was shocked, truth be told. He knew faintly that Jaebeom had jealousy and anger issues which could've easily turned into a major problem, but to have him refrain himself from his vindictive and consuming impulses which guided and guarded him most of his life, only for his sake, was something he failed to think of in that particular scenario.

To Youngjae, it was an absolute proof of commitment and affection.

He didn't need any fancy words. In fact, no words at all; gestures such as that one were heartwarming for some reason. He knew what difficulties Jaebeom faced in escaping his past self and he wanted to be there to help him get better.

"Thank you. I guess," Youngjae chuckled.

"For what, allowing myself to be beaten up by a fresher?"

"No, you're an idiot for that. Thank you for not following your impulse."

Jaebeom smiled shyly.

"Are you - are you gonna press charges?" Youngjae suddenly asked. "Against Yugyeom?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Jaebeom frowned.

"Not that I'm telling you to do that! I'm just saying - I mean, I'm wondering - because if the situation was reversed, if this would've been Yugyeom now, lying here, he would've - "

"The situation was in reverse, once. I was once the guy who put someone in the hospital. But again, nothing so bad."

"The guy you hit."

He nodded, the memory clearly shaming him.

"I was once that guy. And he didn't press charges against me either. I don't know why. But I was definitely thankful and eased he didn't. The point is, I know what it's like, now that I've been in both places. If I were to press charges, it would do more harm than good, especially to a soft and nice guy like Yugyeom."

"Oh now you think he's nice?"

"I never said he wasn't. I had my issues, but other than that - "

Youngjae chuckled, nearly unable to believe.

"I'm gonna fix myself, you know?" he told Youngjae. "I've been planning to go to therapy for a while, but now I'm quite convinced that I have to go."

"You didn't hear it from me, so - "

Both giggled.

"I know I need some more professional help. I don't wanna be like this for the remainder of my life. I wanna - I wanna fix whatever issues I got."

"That's a good first step."

"And regarding impulses, I - I kinda have another one, but I know that Jackson is right outside watching us like a vulture, so I won't do it."

"You can say it if you'd like. He won't hear it. Probably."

Jaebeom tried to rub his hands together in an attempt to calm himself down, but the bandages were preventing him from doing that. Instead, he sat still, taking several deep breaths.

"Alright," he said, standing up more straight. "Here I go. I knew this... for a while now, but I couldn't exactly... pinpoint it. Which is stupid, because it should be right up in your face and it's all the more ironic considering I studied psychology so deeply for years. But I can tell now... that it's a sign of... care. And affection. I am... madly in love with you, Youngjae. I really am."

Youngjae's eyes widened as Jaebeom leaned a bit forward and pressed his lips against his cheek, briefly licking his lips afterwards. He felt the spot redden within a split second and he tried to cover it with a large smile, turning his face away for a moment.

"You don't have to say anything to that," Jaebeom said. "I just... thought I should say it because it's the first time that I ever said something like this, so... pretty big moment for me."

"I do hope Jackson's gonna turn away for this one cause it's about to get cheesy."

"What do you m - "

Youngjae pressed his mouth against Jaebeom's, heat and scent invading his cavities, his nose and his mind altogether.

Suddenly it all fell into one giant puzzle, completing it. It didn't matter whether people liked Jaebeom or not, nor what his past looked like. Everything that truly mattered were the two of them, together, working with each other and for each other, building something and offering mutual trust.


	28. Chapter 28

Overthinking was something that Jaebeom never thought he could do so damn well.

Living from one day to another, he always based his decisions and ideas on impulses and gut feeling, never thinking twice about anything due to lack of time. But ever since confessing his feelings to Youngjae, he began to fear and doubt every single thing that he did: whether it was too much, too little, all because he wanted his now official relationship to be open and honest. He was working on himself, going to therapy and getting in touch with his inner true self, and it was honest work.

But he promised his boyfriend that he would make him feel like a prince - like a king, even - every single day, and he began treating him like one as well.

Youngjae made it difficult though.

He just got used to being around and with soft, caring and loving Jaebeom, the emotionally intelligent one, but a part of him wondered if he would ever reveal his darker self in the intimacy of the bedroom.

He often found himself daydreaming or fantasizing about Jaebeom picking him up, pinning him against the wall, furiously making out with him while his hands were undressing him fast, body exploding with adrenaline and desire alike. Jaebeom made it clear that he refused to act so roughly with him until both felt utterly prepared for that. And Youngjae had tried asking nicely, begging even, getting drunk and begging just to earn sympathy points, but it did not work on Jaebeom, who only grew tired of his requests.

"Why are you insisting on this so much, Jae?" Jaebeom asked him one night when both began to get a little too drunk too fast.

"Because I - I wanna know! What do you mean 'why'?"

"What exactly do you wanna know so badly?"

Youngjae groaned, much more dramatically than he normally would, rolling his eyes.

"I wanna know - how rough you can go! The twisted, fucked up kid from the streets - "

"Foster homes."

"Those - the kid from those - the insanely gorgeous and twisted man, Lim Jaebeom! How rough can you be!"

"The answer might surprise you."

"Surprise me then!"

Jaebeom leaned into his ear, his warm breath tickling Youngjae's earlobe and making him shiver.

" _Very_ ," he muttered.

"O - kay! See?"

"I really don't get you, Youngjae. Why are you so keen on this lately? I thought you were more than pleased with the things are between us."

"Oh, I sure am, but it's just this - this thing, in my head..."

"What?"

"The... idea that... you can go very rough that's just... messing me up lately, not going to... lie, buddy."

In other circumstances, Jaebeom would've chuckled at how adorably tipsy Youngjae was, but given the topic of conversation, it was tough for him to do so. He himself felt the alcohol burn his veins and his insides, making him feel hot and over-the-top.

"I just wanna know," Youngjae continued. "I'm just curious to see what it's like... what it feels like... to be taken roughly by Lim Jaebeom."

Jaebeom's contempt did not resonate with Youngjae's enthusiastic curiosity, so he rolled his eyes and took another shot of soju without saying anything else in return.

Instead, he found it more comforting and reassuring asking for advice from his new social group.

"This is the problem you need help with? Sex?" You?"

"Jinyoung, don't be a dick, he needs help."

"No, no, not help. Let's not get it twisted. I know what I'm doing. I want advice."

"Before you continue bickering, I just wanna ask what is on all of our minds, uh... what the hell happened to your hair?"

Mark's question caused all heads to turn towards Jackson, as his marvelous blond locks were replaced by caramel brown ones, smoothly combed upwards ever so slightly. The look was utterly dashing, as Mark found himself staring at his boyfriend more lovingly and admiring him more than usual, but he was still taken aback by the sudden change.

"Jaebeom inspired me to change my look," he replied with a shrug. "Does it look bad or -?"

"Are you kidding? No, it's - it's breathtaking."

Jackson smiled widely at Mark, the two exchanging a set of look that were meant to express so many other feelings.

"Anyway," Jinyoung interrupted with a cough, "look, if Youngjae wants to... spice things up, just go for it. I don't see the real problem here. I thought you would've been fine with that. From what I hear you're not exactly a vanilla guy."

"It took me months to play the gentle and kind person, to get used to doing and saying all the lovely dovely things he deserves. And I - i like them, too. I'm just afraid that if I do this, I'll be reminded of how I am at the core and I'll end up chasing my own pleasure time and time again and hurt him in the process. Not physically, but... you know."

"That was - wow, okay. You put it so nicely into words, that was - "

"Jinyoung?"

"Huh?"

"Focus."

"I am focused!"

"Yeahhhh, okay."

"Look, Jaebeom," Mark chimed in, "I see this happening two ways: number one, you give the poor boy what he wants because he clearly wants it badly, or number two, just distract him so that this doesn't interfere with your daily activities."

"How the hell am I supposed to distract him from his thoughts of getting _railed?_ "

"I don't know. Do some grand gesture."

Despite the fact that the conversation was still ongoing, Jaebeom was too immersed in his own thoughts to process the rest of it.

He knew Mark was right. It could've gone one way or the other. And he thought of something that could resolve the issue in both their benefit.


	29. Chapter 29

Youngjae, Jackson, Mark and Jinyoung had been enjoying another fantastic Defsoul concert during the weekend without any loss of that original magic which captivated them in the first place.

They sang along the songs, allowing themselves to be dragged into the authenticity of the lyrics and the mesmerizing beats, without even flinching when the lights suddenly got turned on and the crowd went silent, people murmuring to each other.

"This is weird," Mark noticed. "Has this ever happened at his concerts?"

"Not that I know of."

"No, it hasn't."

"I figured as much."

"What's going on?"

Everyone looked confused on the stage, expecting a reaction from Defsoul. He finally came forward, speaking into the microphone.

"I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for supporting me, loving my music and being here tonight, and all other nights. I love you all, very, very much," his smooth voice echoed through the crowd.

Everyone cheered and clapped, shouting, though the four friends were looking puzzled at him on the stage, slightly concerned.

"However... I think I played this hide-and-seek game for long enough. I have no reason to cover or hide myself anymore. I don't think I ever had one, but now things are different. I am working hard to change some habits of mine that do more harm than good and to change aspects of me that used to hurt people. I am bettering myself, and this is the kind of artist that I want to be for myself but more importantly, to all of you."

Youngjae's heart was pounding in his chest so fast that it felt as if it were about to break his ribs. His curiosity reached the highest peak; all he could do was watch his favorite artist take off his hoodie and snapback off of his face. He too gasped along with the crowd, eyes widening when they were met with the all familiar face of Jaebeom.

"My name is Lim Jaebeom. I am a literature student at Seoul University. I was too afraid to come forward with my music a few years ago. I was... ashamed of myself for various reasons. I was scared for thinking I'll get judged for not being ordinary. But recently... I've met someone who changed everything for me. I am head over heels for someone who makes everything so incredible, who makes me want to be the best version of myself and who inspires me, and I found comfort among great people that I now get to call my friends. This is who I really am, a mixture of messed up and happy, and I hope I can continue to share my music with all of you."

Jaebeom lowered his head, expecting some negative reactions, but instead, everyone cheered louder than ever, applauding endlessly. Youngjae moved closer to the stage, smiling wide and eyes sparkling with pride. He was shook to the core, yes, but more so, he was thrilled.

"And I want to thank you, Choi Youngjae, for inspiring me and helping me find myself," Jaebeom said into the microphone, loud for the entire venue to hear.

The cheers continued, with Jaebeom staring at Youngjae and vice versa.

He never felt more eased than he felt right then and there. He barely noticed Bambam coming next to him on stage, hugging him from behind and clapping as well.


	30. Chapter 30

Jaebeom exposing himself as Defsoul, the mysterious underground artist, famous among teens and young people, had a big impact not just on his life, but on his friends and boyfriend alike.

People had began asking for photos and autographs from him all the time over the past several weeks, and Jaebeom was doing the best he could to joggle with homework, exams, private life and now, public life. He had no problem engaging with his fans, but Youngjae thought about how difficult it must've been for him to come forward with the truth and handle it face first.

Despite the fact that he appreciated his gesture deeply, Youngjae couldn't help but feel concerned for Jaebeom. He had been working over time during classes and studying harder for the upcoming exams, he was going to the gym more often, wrote new songs on a weekly basis, went to therapy and still managed to spend time with Youngjae and the rest.

It was only natural to feel worried that he was on the verge of a burnout.

"Do you need some help with that?" Youngjae offered politely one evening, noticing Jaebeom's deep concentration for a long presentation.

Jaebeom looked up briefly and shook his head as a no.

"I just have to make some final adjustments for tomorrow, that's it. Which seems to be taking forever now."

"The details are always the tough part."

"You are not wrong at all."

Though he chuckled, Youngjae still had an unpleasant feeling. In fact, he couldn't recall the last time when Jaebeom got proper sleep with everything that had been going on.

Youngjae cleared his throat and approached the desk cautiously.

"Are you okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Lately, you've had a lot on your plate, so I was just wondering... if you're okay. If you need anything. I'm here if you do, just saying. Just in case you do! No pressure."

Jaebeom smiled. He found it so adorable that Youngjae took the time to check up on him and to give up his own things in order to make _him_ feel good.

"I'm fine. Don't worry too much, Jae, please. It is stressful, sure, but once the exams pass - "

"The session hasn't even started yet.

"- once it's over, I'll be more relieved. Trust me."

"What about the whole Defsoul thing? People actually know you now, it's... different. You're gonna have to put up with that for the rest of your life.

"I thought it through, you know. It was a very well-thought decision."

"I'm just saying, cause... everything seems to be stressful and pressuring at the moment, so if there's anything you want me to do or say - "

"Youngjae."

"I just want to know that you're okay."

Jaebeom huffed, on the verge of despair.

He had no complaints about Youngjae as a human being, nor as a boyfriend, but his mind was something ethereal sometimes. It must've been incredibly overwhelming to never turn off your brain. Youngjae's overthinking and constant analysis of his surroundings managed to drive Jaebeom insane on rare occasions.

He put the laptop away, focusing on his facial expression.

"I know you have the best intentions at heart, Jae. But you can't help me now with any of this, okay? It's just some stuff that's temporary and it will pass. I know what I'm doing."

"I didn't say anything about you not knowing, but I just wish you'd involve me if you need me."

"I do need you. You know that. I need you... all the time. But with school and concerts? Come on, don't worry about those, I got those."

"Hopefully you're not overdoing anything and you know your limits."

Once again, Jaebeom knew deep down that Youngjae only meant well. He was an extraordinary person, but something about that particular scene caused him to snap involuntarily.

"You think that I don't know my limits? Or that I'm stepping overboard?"

"I'm worried that you might, that's all."

"No, it's fine. I guess you're right."

Jaebeom paced around the room, his hands tucked in his pockets. He sucked his cheeks in, staring at Youngjae in a way that he hadn't in a long time, managing to intimidate the latter within a matter of seconds.

"You're right," Jaebeom continued. "I went overboard. I went overboard and I didn't know where to draw the line when I wrote 'Holic' thinking about you. That was the point when I should've known better. But I couldn't."

Youngjae remained silent. He had no clue how to respond to such a confession.

"You - you wrote that song for me?"

Instantly, Jaebeom felt a rush of panic.

"Not... for you, per se, but rahter... you know, thinking about you, and us. And for weeks you've been insisting and pushing and testing me and... God, I don't even know what you expect me to do! What do you expect me to do, Youngjae? Snap out of my senses and fuck you right here, in this moment? Because... let me tell you something..."

Revelation hit him much like a meteor.

Jaebeom felt it all boiling in his veins: the stress, the pressure from the outside world, the work he was supposed to do, his feelings, his thoughts and trauma... all burning him the same, at that very moment. 

He barely breathed, pupils fixating on Youngjae's speechless figure. He closed the laptop, jaw unhinged as lust took control over him.

Of course it was a major cause of tension.

How could he have missed it?

"Let me tell you..." he repeated, approaching Youngjae, "you had it coming."

"What?"

Jaebeom gestured him to go to the bedroom with a single head movement and Youngjae followed suit. He had a feeling he knew where things were headed, but he refused to get excited just yet.

"Take off your clothes. Now."

Jaebeom's tone was husky and extremely demanding, nothing like what Youngjae had ever heard from him before. With slightly trembling hands, but more so excited and anticipatory, Youngjae did as he was ordered, standing completely naked before Jaebeom, who barely blinked, not even gazing up and down at the beautiful body he was met with.

"Sit."

Youngjae again did as ordered, exposing himself completely. He had become a nervous wreck within seconds. He could no longer look up to see what Jaebeom was up to, so all he could do was wait in the chilly atmosphere and try to guess what was about to happen.

As if on cue, firm hands skillfully tied his together to the headboard, afterward a blindfold taking away the privilege of sight.

Youngjae began to squirm on the sheets.

"Oh, now you're getting impatient," Jaebeom remarked sarcastically from somewhere above him.

"I just - "

"You wanted to see how rough I can go? You wanted to be taken roughly by Lim Jaebeom?"

"Well - "

"Answer me, Youngjae."

"Yes."

"What was that?"

"Yes, I did. That's what I wanted."

"Weeks of pushing me and all that persistent talk... you really don't back out of something, do you?"

Youngjae felt like asking a lot of questions and saying many things, but either option failed him. All he could think of were the possibilities that Jaebeom intended to have his way with him. 

Something told him that he was not going to go medium or easy on him.

And he didn't want that either.

He gasped loudly when he felt something being poured on him, followed by the careful placement of smaller objects on said substance. He wanted to ask, he wanted to beg and plead, but somehow he knew Jaebeom would not allow any of that.

He gasped once more when Jaebeom's mouth and tongue licked something off of his chest and abdomen, around his happy trail, teasing the skin there for a while until he felt Youngjae get hard. Only did he Jaebeom put an end to the torture.

Youngjae groaned, but there was no response to be heard from Jaebeom. Instead, his thighs got gripped by Jaebeom's hands, thus spreading him as wide as he could endure.

Without any notification beforehand, Jaebeom slid inside of him at last, causing Youngjae to moan loudly, but this time it was different. It was nothing like what he had expected.

The pace was teasingly slow, very powerful and deep instead. Each thrust focused on hitting all the right spots, spots that even Youngjae hadn't been aware they existed.

One of Jaebeom's hands grabbed Youngjae's hair, tugging hard, but the latter found himself lost in the pace and the slight pain, ever so pleasurable even. He wished he could voice his thoughts and ask for more if it was in any way attainable, but no words came out. Only moans and fragments, letters.

Jaebeom's other hand gripped around Youngjae's waist for some support, his fingers grabbing harshly the flesh. The friction was so good that even Jaebeom had a tough time controlling his moves. But luckily this time he didn't have to. 

He leaned over and pressed hasty kisses across Youngjae's back as he fucked him fast and rough. He felt beads of sweat slowly immersing from his temples, but he continued as long as his hips allowed him to. He still pulled Youngjae's hair, listening closely to his gagged and desperate cries for his name. 

Jaebeom felt his insides burn, shouting at himself in his mind to stop before coming. 

He didn't want to enjoy that quite yet.

He smiled as he noticed Youngjae's beautifully arched body and undid the knot from his wrists. The blindfold came as well and he finally saw the disappointed look on his face.

"Why did you - stop?" he breathed, clearly annoyed.

"It would've been too easy."

"What did you put on me? Before?"

"Chocolate."

Youngjae kept his mouth shout, but that image, that action and those words made up the sexiest phrase he had ever heard.

"Turn around for me."

Without opposing, Youngjae turned, ass up in the air now, back at Jaebeom's mercy. Merely seconds later, Jaebeom thrust inside of him again, faster and faster. 

It was always an emotional roller-coaster to be with Jaebeom, but Youngjae finally understood the degree of roughness and incapacity to feel when he was intimate with someone. He really had the capacity to not give a damn about anything else except his own desires. He was doing things the way he pleased, not even needing to check if the moment required more passion or anything else.

Jaebeom was fucking good at fucking. 

And Youngjae wouldn't have thought it was possible to cum four times in a row until that night.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter, loves! I thank you for sticking with me and our main couple until the end!

"Have you ever thought about life after university?"

"Hmm. Not so much, to be honest. I used to think there's plenty of time, but... given how this year went by... time flies fast with or without us."

"It's been one hell of a year, damn."

"To think a year ago I was a fucking mess."

"You still are."

Jaebeom chuckled, drawing his face closer to Youngjae's.

"Can't argue against that," he agreed. "But I am working on it."

"I know. And I'm very proud of you."

There was pause. Youngjae hesitated.

"Do you... feel empty still? Like you can't care?"

"This is probably the only thing that has changed about me in this year. The only major change that I really feel. I found out I am capable of having multiple feelings at once. Shocking, isn't it?"

"Not to us, humans."

"But thanks to you, and Mark, Jackson and Jinyoung... I do feel things. Good things."

Youngjae smiled, slightly flustered.

"How are you feeling, by the way?" Jaebeom checked him.

"A bit sore, but it'll pass."

"You asked for it."

Pause again. Jaebeom remarked the time, for some reason feeling struck with the realization.

"It's four in the morning already," he whispered.

"I don't feel that tired."

"I didn't fuck you properly then."

Youngjae hit him playfully. A controversial thought ran through his mind, and he chose to voice it this time.

"Can I ask you something? Unrelated to fucking each other."

"Of course."

"Do you ever think about... the future? How it will look for you in, say... one year? Five years or ten from now?"

"Do you?"

"Sometimes. I want to be a teacher. But I also want to write a book... or more... I wanna travel... all of the good things."

"We can do all of that."

"We?"

"I haven't thought the future all the way through, but I do know now that I hope you're in it because I want to experience all the great things this earth has to offer, and I don't wanna do that without you."

Youngjae smiled wider than ever, pressing his lips against Jaebeom's cheek, cuddling at his chest.

He felt calm, unbothered by anything, in the arms of the supposed dangerous black-haired boy that he had been warned about one year ago.


End file.
